I don't feel SO alone
by lialibea
Summary: Castiel Novak meets Dean Winchester in high school but they never really talk and when they do everything changes and they don't see each other until three years later and Castiel tries his best not to get sucked into himself and run away. And of course not to get sucked into the green eyes that haunts him. Writer!Cas and chef!Dean and kind of High school/CollegeAU
1. Chapter 1 - First things First

**A/N:** This is my very first Dean/Castiel fic but I'm looking forward to writing it, really. I might get the characters a bit wrong, but after all it's an AU so I can pretty much do whatever I want to and with them *chuckles darkly*  
I'm not sure how often I will update this, but I will try to do it at least once a week and I have no idea how long it'll turn out to be, but don't worry.  
ALSO I'm not American in any way (I'm Swedish) so I don't know shit about High Schools so if you se something weird, please let me know and I'll try to fix it.

This is also posted on AO3 under the same name. (I also have the same username there too).

* * *

_ First things first_

_I don't wanna be forgotten_

_Even worse_

_I don't wanna be alone_

_**The Neighbourhood - No Grey**_

* * *

The bell rang and every student standing in the big corridor started to hurry. Castiel were already in his seat, it was only the third school day of the year and he had already started to get a hang of his classes, at least in the right order.

Soon people started to come in through the door to the first English lesson of the year and Castiel knew all of their faces, same old boring faces that he'd seen the last two years of his high school life.

English class were always boring since he barely knew anyone there, at least not good enough to call anyone "friend" and everything the teacher said he already knew. But, this was his last year and he was hoping that this year it might become a bit more interesting and maybe he'd even make a new friend, because after all, he wasn't shy.

This year there were a new teacher at the front of the classroom, a pretty young woman, average length with short, brown hair. She looked pretty strict and Castiel felt good about that because the only thing worse than being in a classroom filled with people you don't know and the teacher only telling you things you already know is being in a classroom filled with people you don't know that are loud and a teacher standing in front of the class, yelling and trying to get everyone's attention to tell everyone things you already know.

When everyone had taken their seats (Castiel sat as usually in the front row, next to the right wall of the classroom where a big window were placed) the teacher started talking.

"Good morning everyone and welcome to your first English lesson of the year. I'm your new teacher, Jody Mills. Okay, before we get started I'll have to check that everyone is here."

Castiel had been right, this new teacher seemed to know what she was doing and when she talked she had this tone that told everyone to sit down, shut up and listen and that was a good sign.

Ms. Mills started to call the names, one after one, in the same order that it'd always been.

"Masters, Meg." Castiel knew that the next name to be called was his own.

"Here."

Ms. Mills took down a note of Meg being there before moving on to the next name. But before she had the time the door burst open and a light haired boy whom Castiel never had seen before entered. Everyone stared at the tall, muscular boy whom probably would be very popular if he weren't already. Even if everyone stared (a lot) he didn't look very uncomfortable, instead it nearly looked as if he enjoyed the attention.

The new teacher cleared her throat and looked intensely at the newcomer.

"And you are...?"

"Dean Winchester, ma'am." Dean had stopped and looked at the teacher who nodded and checked her list.

"Why are you so late, Mr. Winchester?"

"I'm new here and had to talk to the principal."

Ms. Mills actually didn't seem to mind very much and told Dean to take a seat but that he should knock next time, and try to be on time.

Dean sat down in the middle of the classroom and let his gaze wander around the classroom. Castiel was still looking at him, taking in every detail of his face, the eyes (blue? Green?), the nose, the lips, the freckles... And then those eyes met Castiel's and for a second they locked eyes and it all stopped.

"Novak, Cass... Castiel?" The voice of the teacher interrupted and Castiel looked away as fast as possible and turned his eyes to the front of the class room, leaving the new boy's eyes looking at the back of his head.

"Here," he answered and Ms. Mills looked up.

"How do I say your name?"

"Castiel."

"Very well."

The name calling went on after that rather... weird moment of the new kid's eyes meeting Castiel's.

For the second time that day Castiel seemed to be right about Ms. Mills, she was actually a good teacher and seemed to have some useful information to teach them even if Castiel's eyes started to wander towards the new boy but every time it happened he made them wander out the window, watching the green leaves having fun in the wind.

* * *

He wasn't sure when he'd started drinking coffee, he just knew that it'd happened some time during his second year and now he nearly always had a coffee cup in his hand whenever he sat with his piles of books. Of course, being the first days of the year he didn't really had that much of homework to do, but Castiel had always liked being organised and on schedule and today he didn't have the usual book piles on his bed, instead there was a laptop with earphones attached to it, playing some music.

_'Turn the lights out, so I can't se into your eyes.'_

After the English lesson his fingers had began to tingle as they always did whenever he felt the urge to write and today that was the reason for the coffee mug in his hand.

Some days he wasn't sure what he wrote, some days he knew exactly and today he just felt that he needed to get the tingle out of his system.

_'You know it's only place that'll give away your lies.'_

His dream had always been to become a writer, for as long as he could remember. Starting up his outdated version of Word (he still wasn't sure why everyone had changed to the new, Castiel didn't find them that very different) he let his fingers rest on the keyboard as he opened an old document of some everyday poems as he felt like adding something.

_'Turn the lights out in this place.'_

Before he got down any words at all the door to his room opened and in the door stood his red haired sister Anna (obviously coloured hair since Castiel's hair was a dark brown, nearly the same colour as Anna had naturally) with a big smile on her face and Castiel turned off the music because he knew Anna was going to talk.

Anna was only one year younger than Castiel himself but Castiel had always thought of her as the same age as him for some reason, except for when they argued, then that one year was always good to point out.

"I didn't se you today," she said before throwing herself onto Castiel's bed, besides him.

"So, had a good third day?" he asked after moving himself a bit to the side so Anna could fit on his bed.

"Yes, did you se that really hot new guy in your grade though? Seriously, he was h-o-t."

Castiel smiled and just replied;

"Dean Winchester? We apparently have English together."

Anna's already big eyes grew even bigger.

"Really? Wish I was in third grade."

Castiel just nodded and turned his eyes once again to the laptop screen, trying to catch his thoughts in words again.

"What're you writing?"

"Nothing."

"Sure."

Anna was out the door, laughing to herself as Castiel asked her to shut the door and she did, after shooting him a look that said more than thousand words. Castiel just wished he knew how to read all of those thousand words, because right now he only knew how to read about two of them and all he could read was 'hmm, sure?'

* * *

The following day was a long day, he had both English, maths and science, all in one long day that never seemed to end. Castiel was glad it was only the fourth day and everything was still pretty new and the teachers didn't really teach them that much, mostly it was just recieving some books and note some small things in the introductions every teacher held.

At least this day he had some lessons with his friends. Joining Andy at their usual table felt good and it felt even better (for some weird reason) when Dean Winchester arrived to his math lesson, accompanied by Jo Harvelle, one of Castiel's friends whom he still wasn't sure _how_ he'd befriend since they were both so different but still, he liked the blonde girl. She was smart and funny, after all.

When the pair saw Castiel and Andy, Jo lead Dean towards them after waving and giving them both smiles.

"Is that the new guy?" Andy asked and shot Dean a look.

"Yes, I believe so." Andy nodded one time before saying hi to the two newcomers and saying that his name was Andy, everything sounding very smooth. Castiel did the same, trying to sound as casual as he could (not that very casual, but it'd do) while his heart did some strange things when meeting Dean's eyes. It was very strange, the whole heart thing, why it did this to him. It hadn't really happened before, but he wasn't blind, he knew why it was jumping up and down like crazy, but neither was he stupid, he knew better than to actually show it so he tried his best to hide it, hoping he was better at hiding it than he was at "casual" introductions.

"I'm Dean." One half smile later Dean and Jo had taken the two chairs next to Castiel, Jo sitting next to him and Dean one seat further away.

"Hey, how was yesterday? I don't think I even saw you," Jo whispered to Castiel as the teacher started talking.

"Intense day, I got the new teacher as English teacher, Ms. Mills, she seemed nice. How about you?"

"Hmm, good I believe. I met that guy," she nodded her head towards Dean who gave them a strange, asking frown with a smile, "who also said something about that English class. I don't know, Castiel, if you like a teacher it must be something good, right?"

The teacher shot them a hard look before Castiel got the chance to laugh, instead he only sent a small grin to Jo.

* * *

The two first weeks passed and Castiel spent both weekends trying to write by his computer at the small, cozy local café that wasn't invaded by every single student from the school. He liked the sound of people typing, reading and sipping coffee and somewhere some people were talking quietly. Mostly he liked the quietness and of course, the coffee. Even if Castiel had friends in school he wasn't sure how much they liked him and these thoughts far too often went through his head. Sometimes they spent time together at weekends and after school but it'd been some time since last time and he wasn't sure if it made him uncomfortable or not, but still, he liked his friends and he thought they liked him too.

Arriving to school the Monday after the first two weeks in school had passed was actually nice, everything was now in place and a schedule had started to form even after only two weeks of school.

First lesson he had on Monday was math and now it had started to calm down in maths class. Jo and Dean were now regulars by his side and he felt a sting in his heart when he saw that Jo now talked more to Dean than to him because Jo had from the start been _his _friend. He hadn't really talked to Dean that much, only a couple of words since Castiel was still pretty weirded out over his heart doing strange things whenever he was there but a joke and some small sentences had been exchanged and a lot of eyes on eyes.

Castiel wouldn't call himself shy, not at all, he just saw himself as a bit reserved, but not shy. There was a very fine line between the two but Castiel knew the line very well since he'd been shy once upon a time but now he was confident (sometimes) in his own skin and didn't really care what people thought even if they tended to not think a lot about him since he was somewhere in the middle of the popularity scale. He wasn't popular, not even close, but he was accepted and he sure wasn't one of the outcasts either.

Dean seemed to belong to the popular kids and Castiel was still a bit confused why he'd decided to befriend them instead of the popular kids but he didn't really complain. Why would he?

"Castiel."

Castiel's head jerked up from his thoughts and looked at the teacher.

"Yes?"

"Can you tell me the answer?"

A small whisper, just enough so that Castiel could hear gave him the answer.

"64."

The teacher nodded and continued with his numbers while Castiel turned his head towards where the whisper had come from and to his surprise his eyes met a pair of eyes, definitely green which belonging to the face full with freckles, smiling and he smiled back.

* * *

Four days later, French words were flowing trough the air, every word in very fragile state since everybody in the way-too-hot-classroom spoke pretty bad French.

Today everything they did was just trying to talk to each other and Castiel tried his best to understand whatever Jo was saying.

"Tu me mange?"

"I'm pretty sure that you just asked me if you could eat me."

"Fuck it." Jo swore but then laughed when she realised what she'd just said.

"So what? Exactly what I was trying to say, asshat."

"Was it?"

"No, Castiel, it was not. I was trying to ask you if we could eat in the cafeteria for lunch?"

Sometimes he felt a bit bad for not understanding jokes, how could he not? It was slightly embarrassing even if he usually understood.

"That sounds good to me. Andy too?"

"Yes, and Dean."

The French teacher, Mr. Henriksen, now stood at their table with a sharp look.

"That's a very French conversation you got there, Novak."

"Ça sonne bien, Jo."

Mr. Henriksen left but were still watching them as he walked to another pair talking broken French.

"Ton français n'est pas mauvais."

"Merci..?"

"Tu dois dire 'Toi aussi', ton... you butthead."

Jo slapped his arm playfully, the air waving all around. It didn't hurt, it never really did (sometimes it did though, but that was because Jo wanted it to hurt) so Castiel just laughed a small laugh.

"Toi aussi, butthead."

* * *

**A/N:**_ The lyrics used in this chapter is from the song Circles by Frankie Rudolf, which I highly recommend you check out because this guy is seriously brilliant, which I don't own. Neither do I own the Neighbourhood's music (sadly) or the characters (even more sadly-ier)._


	2. Chapter 2 - You haunt me like a ghost

**A/N: **I must say I like this chapter quite a lot and that I've made Castiel creepily much like me. Just... yeah.

* * *

_You haunt me like a ghost,_

_and that scares me the most_

_**Orla Gartland**_

* * *

"So Dean, I heard you have a new girl."

He looked down, a hand in the light hair. Then he looked up, smirking but there were still something in his eyes that Castiel wanted to inspect further but he didn't get the chance to. Anyways, it'd probably be considered "creepy".

"Sure, _Dean_."

Jo laughed and Andy laughed too but Castiel just sat there and pretended to laugh because he didn't always get jokes and he still wasn't sure why.

The food in the cafeteria wasn't very good and he didn't really feel like eating but he did anyways because his teenage body always craved food also people always gave weird looks to those he didn't eat, not that he cared but...

"So what did everyone do this weekend?"

Andy asked the question, as he did every single Monday and always had done for as long as Castiel had known him.

"Guess," Castiel said, "it's very exciting."

Glitter appeared in Jo's eyes while she shoved in yet another fork of rice into her mouth. "Hmm... Party?"

Castiel nodded, "Yes, I partied very hard with both my computer and a coffee mug."

"It got real serious, right?"

"Very," Castiel answered Andy and Dean laughed.

Castiel smiled because even if he didn't always get jokes, he still knew how to use sarcasm (at least sometimes) and also that laugh Dean had was pretty contagious he had found.

If someone from outside had heard them they might have thought they mocked Castiel, but he knew they didn't, they were his friends and laughing with them made him feel good.

* * *

It was only during the afternoons loneliness struck Castiel, especially when Anna or Gabriel (his older brother) had friends over (which they did pretty often since both were to consider "popular") and he sat in his bed or at his desk with piles of book around him, a coffee mug in his hand and caffeine in his body. That was when the loneliness hit him hard and most of the time he put on music, the weirder and deeper the better.

Right now he was shutting out laughs coming from Gabriel's room with a new release from a band he adored.

_"Keep me a page into your needs_  
_Picking my T's for the songs we'd sing_  
_And for all your company_  
_I'll steal you away until you're thinking of me"_

The carefully sung sentences made his arms get goose bumps and he could see himself handing someone a paper with his needs but he wasn't very sure what it'd say.

He'd liked The Careful Ones for a while and their lyrics' always made him think and thinking was what he was good at. Their names also attracted him to them; the thought of them being careful was something he liked. He also liked to picture himself as careful, at least he saw himself as that, because he wasn't shy. He was careful.

_"We're not lost, not lost."_

Castiel wasn't lost. He was not lost. And if he was lost it wasn't that very much lost, not much at all he told himself as he heard some laughs that escaped from the walls and yet again Castiel turned up the music and tried to find the sentence he last read in the English book because sometimes he lost where he were when reading with distractions.

* * *

School had been going on for some time now, maybe two months? Castiel wasn't sure, because right now they were beginning to get tests and papers and that kept him busy.

Everyone seemed to be busy and when he sat down in English class one Wednesday morning that he'd looked forward to it even seemed like Dean were busy.

Still, they hadn't really talked but Castiel wanted to, he'd thought about it more than he'd ever confess and sometimes he thought Dean felt the same because their eyes met a lot but then again Dean never seemed to be afraid if anything. Not that Castiel was afraid, nor shy, of talking to Dean, he was simply careful because... Castiel never finished the thought because Ms Mills (that'd become one of Castiel's favourite teachers - THAT was why he always looked forward to English lessons) and he was pretty glad she was there because he didn't know how to end the thought.

They talked about literature and as usual Castiel said a lot but still didn't really say anything. Sure, he had analyzed the material and he knew what he was talking about, he liked the course, but he always forgot about it as soon as he'd said it. For some reason it didn't seem that very important to Castiel why Hamlet had said some things and not said some. And if it was important, he had it written down. What did seem important to him at the time was that Dean actually spoke in the classroom. Scratch that Dean wasn't afraid if anything, he was afraid of speaking in class, that much Castiel had understood. And it wasn't just THAT he spoke, he also had some good points and Castiel decided with a beating heart that he'd mention it after the class but when they all left the room Ms. Mills asked Dean to stay a while after class to talk to him and Castiel didn't want to feel like a stalker and stay in the corridor because after all he didn't really knew Dean and after that he didn't say anything, not because he was shy, but because he didn't really get the opportunity. Not because he was shy.

* * *

_'I'll wait forever and a lifetime_

_To find I'm not alone_

_There's a silent storm inside me_

_Some day I'll be calm'_

When the Norwegian singer sang his song, it was from time to time hard to hear what he sang. Maybe it was because he was Norwegian but Castiel thought it was because he had a rather thick voice and didn't really care to sing every word and Castiel liked his way of singing a lot. It sometimes reminded him of when Dean talked.

During that thought his phone started ringing. Quickly he turned off the music and took the phone in his hand. The caller ID said it was Jo and he answered the phone hopeful.

"Hello, it's Castiel."

"Cas-tiii-EL! I hope you're outside in the sunny weather because it's really awesome!"

One thing that had changed a bit in Jo's language was her new use of the word "awesome", which Castiel figured came from Dean.

"I'm not really," Castiel said a little embarrassed but still he was happy she'd called.

"Then come outside, Casanova, we seek your company!"

"We?"

"Me, Dean and Andy, now come out of your room and come out and play! We're just outside!"

Jo hung up after that and Castiel sat there for a while not realising she'd hung up considering not going out but then he remembered again that he wasn't shy so he put back his phone in his pocket, turned off his speakers that'd played his music and then he went outside and just as Jo had said they stood on the street, looking as happy as ever. It was Saturday and both Andy and Dean looked pretty tired (but happy), Castiel had heard something about a party Friday night and that was probably the reason. Andy ha actually asked Castiel if he also wanted to come and for once in his life he'd actually wanted to, but couldn't because it'd been his brother Gabriel's 20th birthday and him and his family had gone to a fancy restaurant while Castiel had wished he was somewhere else. But, for the first time ever, Castiel had said that next time he'd join them and Andy had smiled very big at him and pushed him friendly and said "Niiice."

"Hi Cassie!" Jo called and then Andy joined while Dean just sat in the sun looking content with life, but he smiled at Castiel.

Having a long and weird name meant that Castiel had a ton of weird and often short-lasting nicknames but he didn't really mind them because it meant that somebody cared enough to change his name.

"Hello!" he called back and waved his hand through the warm air. The sun hit his face as he walked outside and first he nearly went blind but then he could se again and Jo had been right, today was a day to be outside.

"Are we going somewhere?"

"The park because this weather needs an adventure!" Andy said and threw his arms dramatically into the air.

Dean shot him a look, "And the park is a great adventure?"

"It really is, Dean," Castiel said seriously because the park had always been a special place for some reason.

Then both Jo and Andy laughed and then Castiel too and he felt good, really good and he wondered why he'd ever questioned their friendship. Dean still sat down but then he stood tall up and he frowned friendly towards them.

"You guys are weird."

"OH, you like it, Dean Winchester!" Jo called as they walked out from Castiel's yard and onto the street, towards the park. Castiel knew he liked it but he didn't say anything, he just enjoyed the sun and his friends and the green leaves and the green eyes.

When they'd been sitting in the park for a while, talking and babbeling and laughing Castiel said that he'd really like a coffee right now.

"Of course you'd want a coffee, Castiel." Jo rolled her eyes and Andy shock his head. Castiel would've had looked at Dean to ask him with his eyes but he didn't because Dean probably didn't like coffee and it was kind of scary too because Castiel knew he'd be sucked into those green eyes.

"I'd like coffee," came unexpectedly from Dean and Castiel turned his head to him and Dean almost looked... shy? Anyways, he hid himself under his long lashes because for a boy Dean had some real long lashes.

"Never knew you liked coffee, Dean," Jo said and winked at him teasingly but Castiel didn't really understand the joke, but he let it go because it wasn't unusual.

"But I _dooo_, so let's go get some coffee, come on," Dean managed to sound like an annoying kid and stood up and Castiel could nearly se how Dean jumped up and down and stamped his foot angrily like a child. The thought made him chuckle and he stood up laughing and the others looked at him, wondering what was so funny but Castiel just waved it off.

Being around them made him so different, usually he was just another weird and quiet teenager who thought too much and enjoyed being alone but when he was with them he could laugh and be happy even if the happiness always felt somewhat transient and that was why he did his best to enjoy it while it were there hugging him.

* * *

Was it possible to be so tired of school already? Castiel just looked forward to college and to actually do something, working and writing and being on his own. He sighed, because right now he was stuck here in high school, in one of his courses for extra credit for college and it was pretty boring but also pretty interesting, school had such a weird mixture of the two. He wished he had a cup of coffee in his hand and maybe a pair of green eyes next to him and some music of course. Castiel didn't really like that he thought this much of Dean, it made him a bit uncomfortable thinking about what it meant, he usually avoided scary terms and things, especially since they hadn't really talked because you can't possibly like someone a great lot by just being in the same room and sharing looks? Right?

Even if they STILL hadn't talk (and even if Castiel told himself daily he should just say something) he felt as if he, weirdly enough, knew Dean. Dean had told a lot about himself by looks, stares and body language, sometimes laughs and sometimes things he told Jo that Castiel heard or that Jo told him.

Castiel knew Dean had a car he cared for a great lot (Chevy Impala maybe?), he knew Dean had a younger brother (Sammy was all Castiel had heard) whom he cared even more for, because when Castiel had heard him talk about this brother his eyes looked so proud and he spoke in a soft voice and it had distracted Castiel a bit, but not enough to not notice the small, caring smile. Castiel knew that Dean got angry pretty easily but that Dean didn't like to be angry, he'd rather joke and laugh. But even if Dean seemed like a light and happy guy Castiel had also noticed that sometimes when they sat by a table Dean drifted away and seemed to be so far away and unreachable and Castiel wanted to tell Dean that he knew the feeling and that they were in fact alike, but how could Castiel do that? He wasn't sure and he didn't want to be considered "creepy" and after all he was careful (not shy).

Castiel needed to snap back to reality, really badly. Lately his thought had been to distracted by... thoughts. See, there he drifted away again and Castiel felt like shouting and maybe ripping apart the book that laid in front of him but he didn't because everyone would look. That wasn't the reason he didn't do it though because he wasn't shy, no, he didn't do it because it was wrong too.

* * *

**A/N:** The song that's playing when Castiel is in his room is "Easy Tiger" by The Careful Ones (GOOD GOD THIS SONG IS AMAZING) and the one with the Norwegian singer is called "Silent Storm", sung by Carl Espen (this song were in Eurovision).  
Just go and listen to both songs, INCLUDING the first song that's in the beginning of the chapter... Just do it.


	3. Chapter 3 - We could run away

**A/N: **God, I've been writing like crazy, I'd never thought I'd be halfway through this story in a couple of days...  
I really like how this is turning out, like a lot.  
Also, there are a party in this chapter and I hope it's not embarrassingly clear that I've never been to a party, nor been drunk.. Haha ;)

* * *

_And we could run away_

_Before the light of day_

_You know we always could_

**_Message To Bears - Mountains_**

* * *

"Castiel, little bro, what's up?"

Castiel looked up at his older brother with the long hair and wiggling eyebrows.

"What do you want, Gabriel?" Most of the time Castiel enjoyed talking to his siblings but today was not the day, he was annoyed and angry for what seemed to be, no particular reason.

Gabriel put his hands up in a defending position.

"Can't I talk to my little brother without wanting anything?" Castiel just threw him an annoyed look but let him enter the room without screaming at him to walk out again or throwing a pillow in his face because this was the day for both those things.

"What is up with you lately, Cassie? You seem pretty... Upset.?"

Castiel just turned his eyes stubbornly back to the screen of his laptop, unwilling to talk about the subject. Talking about feeling made him uncomfortable and it made him feel weak and he didn't really want to feel like that so most of the time he just didn't say anything.

Gabriel stood in the middle of the room awkwardly and that was really a sight that Castiel would love to laugh at because most of the time Gabriel owned every room he walked into but today wasn't like most day either.

"Is it something with that friend of yours, De..."

"We're _not_ friends."

He'd answered too fast, he knew it all too well but he tried not to freak out about it because he was just angry with Gabriel, that was everything.

"Look, Castiel, I _know _you like him, I don't have to be an expert to se that."

"I don't like Dean."

"Yes you do."

"No I _don't_."

"I'm not blind, Cassie."

"I never said that."

"You..."

"Just leave my room."

"Fine, but you should talk about it."

"Leave."

Then Gabriel shut the door really hard and the anger just lifted of off Castiel and flew away and there he sat, staring at the door, trying to calm down every weird breath he took and trying to wipe out Dean's face from his mind but failing miserably at both tasks.

* * *

"Is there something wrong with Dean?"

"His brother broke his foot yesterday and I think Dean stayed with him at the hospital until Sam got it bandaged. You should ask him yourself, Castiel."

Blush. Shake of head and eyes fixated on the table.

"No I shouldn't."

He wasn't shy, he wasn't shy.

* * *

Days just passed so fast and Castiel wasn't sure where they went, they just flew around and sometimes he caught himself not remembering what happened the day before.

_Streets on fire_

_Been up for days_

The music in Castiel's ears were sometimes the only thing that kept him on line. This particular song made him calm and he liked the rhythm. As usual he sat in school, on an English lesson and today everything was pretty calm which was good.

_Yeah, all this shit can change (always)_

_All this shit can change_

He liked the English lesson particularly because of Ms. Mills and.. He got to se Dean. He didn't like to actually give in for that thought but it was the truth.

It was a pretty long time since they'd read Hamlet and now they were writing poems but Castiel who usually could write something couldn't get his thoughts down on paper and the only thing on his papers were words and sentences, all carefully removed but they still shined through. The bell rang and everyone ran out except for Castiel and... Dean. Castiel looked at Dean and felt slightly uncomfortable but he also liked it and it was a very strange feeling.

_Stronger than anything, I've ever felt_

Castiel scratched all of his papers together but then he felt that someone was in front of him and straightened up. When he looked up he saw Dean and he looked.. Unsure or something, Castiel couldn't really put a name on his expression. He saw that Dean was about to say something so he paused his music and waited with a beating heart.

"So..." Dean put his hand around his neck and looked rather nervous. That was the name of his expression, nervous. Castiel wondered why and decided to wait for what Dean was about to say even if his heart was beating really hard and he suddenly felt warm and sweaty and didn't really knew where to put his eyes.

"You going to the cafeteria?"

"Yes."

"Should we go together?"

"I'd like that, Dean."

Dean suddenly smiled big and his arms were at his sides again. Castiel noticed that he really liked his smile, because even if he'd seen it before, he hadn't really seen it turned towards him.

"Hell, I thought you hated my guts."

Castiel stood up now, ready to go but the comment made him freeze.

"Why would I do that?"

He must've had looked very confused because Dean laughed softly, as if he was laughing at himself, then he shrugged and they started walking towards the cafeteria to meet up with Jo and Andy.

* * *

"How have you _not_ heard about One Direction? God, Castiel, you're such a hipster when it comes to music, seriously."

"I'm not hi..."

Jo put up a hand in the air, making a stop sign and staring into his eyes.

"You are."

Castiel shrugged and laughed, a little embarrassed as Andy high fived Jo and Dean opened his mouth.

"Guys, why'd you ever want him to listen to _One Direction_?" He pronounced the name as if it were disgusting, making a weird face. Jo turned to Dean with a very dramatic facial expression.

"Dean, shut that goddamn pie hole of yours, just because you just listen to that old shit rock," and then she slapped him on the arm and once again Andy high fived Jo, making a loud enough sound for some other people to turn around and looking at them weirdly.

"Since when did you two turn into the couple of sass?" Dean said with a funny look on his face and then he wiggled his eyebrows while stuffing food into his mouth and shot them a suggestive look.

Jo opened her mouth but Castiel were quicker.

"They've always been the couple of sass, sass there, sass here, sass everywhere. But mostly in there," Castiel nodded towards the school toilet.

"Ew, you perverts, Andy is my brother from another mother."

Dean burst out laughing and soon Castiel did too, just like Andy did.

"I can't believe you just said _that_."

"You do not get a high five for that."

He had gotten him to laugh and that were just lovely, lovely, lovely.

* * *

This was his first time and he wasn't sure if he liked it, mostly it was very strange.

_'Hello, goodbye, I wanted to see, but I guess I  
I don't have the strength to speak tonight'_

Everyone were either really drunk and dancing, really drunk and heavily making out in a couch, pretending to be really drunk and dancing or pretending to be really drunk and heavily making out in a couch._  
'It's tricky sometimes  
When you wanted to run, you'd always hide  
You can't find the truth behind the lies'_

The music was loud and he'd never heard this song before. Everyone else were talking to people but he just stood there in the middle, listening to the song and looking for Andy, Dean or Jo whom he'd arrived with but lost in the first minutes.

_'Yeah, you're the reason, I'm afraid  
Said, you're the reason, I'm afraid'_

Finally he caught a glimpse of Jo who stood in a door, as if she were looking for someone, maybe him? He got so excited over seeing her in the sea of people he didn't know so he hurried to her and when she saw him she smiled.

"CASTIEL THERE YOU ARE! Awesome!"

It was warm and there were bodies everywhere, some sweaty, some not, some loud, some not. Jo handed him a can of something (beer probably) that Castiel hadn't even seen she had in her hands and then she told him to follow her and they made their way through the crowded room into another, not as crowded but still crowded, room. Jo laughed and said something he couldn't hear over the loud music and then she took a sip of her beer and then she started dancing and dragged Castiel along with her. First he didn't know what to do but after a couple of mouthfulls of the pretty disgusting liquid in his can he started to dance with her and suddenly Dean were there and his looks just struck Castiel down but he tried to ignore how he fell apart.

_'But I want you to know, it's killing me  
I think I gotta let go, 'cause it's killing me  
You're gonna do what you want  
But you better believe, it's killing me'_

He was pretty sure this song had been on repeat for a while now (somebody must really like that song) but it didn't really matter because he found it quite catchy and it looked as if Dean also found it catchy and he looked into his eyes and it felt weird but good even if he were surrounded by sweaty bodies he didn't know and the phrase _'it's killing me'_ now would forever play in his head whenever he looked into Dean's eyes.

* * *

Not everything was a blur, but much of it was a blur. What wasn't a blur though was the green pair of eyes that were pretty close to his.

Castiel and Dean were both leaning against the wall, Dean were looking at the people and Castiel were looking at him but Castiel hoped he hadn't notice. His jawline were perfectly marked but it was a bit tightened and Castiel wondered what were on his mind, maybe it was him? No, it'd never be and Castiel started laughing because of the ridiculous thought and Dean turned his head to Castiel and looked into his eyes. The gesture made Castiel stop laughing and he tried his best to collect his thoughts and say something.

"We could run away."

Wrong, he didn't mean to say that but now it was out and he thought that he should probably say something else.

Dean looked confused but something in his eyes started shining.

"You're drunk, Cas."

"I know, it's weird. I'm sorry, I'm weird... I didn't mean to say that." He laughed and looked at the ground and wondered why it seemed not to want to sit still.

"Wait did you just call me Cas?"

Dean just nodded, maybe he said something but if he did it was swallowed by the music.

"But we could. Run away."

"I'd like that."

But then the ground attacked Castiel and he wondered if Dean were serious, but he probably weren't because why would he want to run away with Castiel? Also he was probably drunk too even if it really didn't look like it.

* * *

It was Saturday and Castiel woke up in his bed, not really sure how he'd ended up, there were a small, confusing memory of Dean and Jo sitting in his room. He sat up and felt a headache approaching, guessing this must be that kind of "hangover" people usually talked and bragged about. He wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep but he knew that even if he tried he wouldn't be able to, also the clock on his wall told him it was already dinner time so he sat himself up as carefully as possible. On the small table next to his bed he found a glass of water and a pill for headache which he as fast as possible swallowed and hoped that he'd feel better in a while. The pill had been resting on a small note from Jo saying "_Hope you feel better, Casanova /Jo_".

He decided that some music would help him both wake up and help with his headache so he stood up and put on some music while thinking.

_'Remember once the things you told me  
And how the tears ran from my eyes'_

Hadn't someone called him something new yesterday? He went through the blurry images and his mind stopped when there were something with Dean and ouch there came it all, flooding through his mind. Why, why, why had he said that? He sat down on the bed again, fast, because now the headache wasn't the problem anymore. This was bad, really bad. Normal friends (who never talks) don't tell each other to run away together, no, they don't.

_'But if I kept myself from danger  
This emptiness would feel the same'_

He'd wanted to talk to Dean, but this was not the same, not even a little close. Castiel wanted to say he were sorry, again, while sober but that'd never work because he'd never be able to look Dean in the eyes again. If his brain could be bruised, it was. It was beaten up, really badly.

'_I want to tell you that I'm sorry  
But that's not for me to say  
You can have my heart, my soul, my body  
If you can promise not to go away'_

The music seemed to speak his thoughts and it hurt, it really did. Especially realising that he'd give Dean his heart, soul and body but he'd never say that, ever.

The fragile yet still so strong voice that sang the words went right through him and he turned up the music, trying to unsuccessfully drown himself._  
'You see those egg shells, they're broken up  
A million pieces, strung out across the ground'_

Yes, it was broken. So goddamn broken.

* * *

It was embarrassing, going to school on Monday after that party. Nothing had happened, but he'd told Dean they could run away and that was pretty much like saying that he liked him which, technically he did, but he didn't want anyone to know about that. He had freaked out pretty badly but after he'd sobered up he hadn't felt as bad because Dean had probably also been a bit drunk and the excuse that he'd been drunk would work, right? That was why people seemed to get drunk anyways, to do stuff and then blame it on the alcohol later on.

His heart was beating when thinking about Dean, what did you even do with a boyfriend? Well, he wouldn't have to think about since, after all, Dean probably wasn't gay (or bi) and if he was, why would he have feelings for _Castiel_? It was strange. Anyways, he would never tell him, he'd drown the feelings until they died. He would never, never tell Dean and that wasn't because he was shy, because he wasn't.

Still, thinking about only the party he was kind of disappointed because everyone always seemed to really glorify parties and he'd never understood why and now he were even more confused because even if he'd had a good time it wasn't something to glorify.

He closed his locker and there Jo were, standing behind it. She looked very tired and almost as if she'd been crying. Just seeing her, Castiel felt something were wrong because Jo were always happy. Always.

"Jo, is something wrong?"

"He's at the hospital."

"Who?"

Jo didn't answer because Castiel knew who she were talking about.

His heart were beating so hard he could feel the blood pump in his ears.

Jo looked so tired and something were hiding behind her eyes.

"His dad... Castiel, they were in a car crash."

Tears were now running down her chins and Castiel felt so tired.

"His dad is.. dead."

So empty.

"Jo, Jo, who?"

He knew the answer but there were still hope.

"Dean."

* * *

**A/N: **

SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:  
Message To Bears - Mountains  
Erik Hassle feat. Tinashe - Innocense Lost  
DC Talk - It's Killing Me  
Birdy - No Angel

Listen to them, they're all great songs that I currently have in a playlist that I have on repeat while writing. On spotify I have lots of fic-playlists, God.


	4. Chapter 4 - Are you coming back?

**A/N: **This is a very short chapter, I know. The next one will also be very short (probably much shorter than this one) but the last one is longer!

* * *

_I want you more than I need you_

_I need you so bad_

_Are you coming back?_

_Are you coming back?_

_I'm waiting_

**_Alice Boman - Waiting_**

* * *

As usually he were sitting in his room, he still wasn't sure how or what he felt but he couldn't get Dean out of his mind even if were now four days since the accident.

Castiel regretted it now, that he hadn't been there today when the others had gone to the hospital to se Dean, all because Castiel felt as if he didn't know Dean that well and there were still those things he'd said at the party that made him feel embarrassed. Dean probably wouldn't want him there even if he knew exactly how it felt, loosing a parent. That exact thought hurt and he tried to go back to only thinking about Dean but it was hard because hearing about it had really brought up some old feelings that he'd thought were forgotten. All that pain had came rushing back but now it was under control again.

Jo had called afterwards and told him that Castiel should've been there and she'd also said that Dean were pretty good now and that he'd come to school on Monday and everything would be okay and back to normal even if Dean now were parentless.

Castiel had started crying and Jo had heard it and told him that it would be okay and it wasn't bad. Then Andy had snatched the phone and said that "Cassie, you're awesome now go and sleep." And them Castiel had said thank you and that they should do the same and then they'd said goodbye and now he sat here feeling weird.

His phone rang again, fifteen minutes since the last call, and he picked it up fast.

"Yes?"

"You could come here if you feel alone."

"I don't feel so alone."

"Castiel."

"I don't."

"Okay, if you say so."

But he lied, he lied, he lied. He wasn't sure why, he just did because admitting to feeling alone was nearly the same as saying he was weak. And either way he didn't want to disturb and that wasn't because he was shy, because he wasn't.

* * *

It was weird, Dean didn't come to school that Monday, or the Tuesday or the Wednesday. They had all been worried because he'd been unreachable and not in the hospital but today they had demanded the principal to tell them what were going on because this wasn't normal. The principal had said that he couldn't tell them but that he would either way and that he did.

Standing in his office Castiel had finally felt some hope because he'd been so scared that something truly horrible had happened.

"I'm sorry to tell you, but Dean Winchester has moved. Apparently him and his brother were going to a Mr. Singer in South Dakota, if that's helpful."

Stunned, that was the word for how he felt. He had imagine Dean bloody, dead, broken and lying in a street corner but not moving away from here.

Everything crumbled and he started screaming only to realise no sound came out of his mouth. Jo and Andy didn't looked too shocked but Castiel felt as if he'd been hit, numerous times.

When they left the office after Jo asking for a phone number (and receiving one) Castiel just felt numb.

* * *

Castiel didn't really know how to respond to it all, he felt like breaking but if he did somebody might understand and that he couldn't have so he just tried to move on. He hadn't even known the guy that well, the only thing he'd said was that they should run away together and if that wasn't weird he didn't know anything.

Castiel were thinking as usually on a Math lesson next to Jo and Andy, the empty seat next to Jo shouting out how lonely it were.

"Hey, Castiel."

He turned towards Jo's voice.

"I called Dean yesterday."

Castiel lifted both eyebrows, meaning 'whaaat' or 'aand?' while his heart were silently breaking.

"He said he was fine and that he missed us, everyone."

Jo kept her eyes at the teacher while talking so it weren't that clear that they were talking.

"Why are you telling me this, Jo?"

She looked over at him quickly before speaking.

"I thought you should you."

His heart continued to break, he still wasn't sure why he said it was his heart because it didn't really hurt specifically in his heart, it hurt more everywhere and it was weird.

When they continued to listen to the teacher Castiel felt Jo glancing over at him from time to time and Castiel tried to hide it as good as he could and keeping up the facade made it a bit better.

* * *

One week later he was feeling better and relieved because Dean had been such a distraction and he had only known him for half a year so he wasn't sure why he'd became so attached when they hadn't even known each other?

It didn't seem logical and if he hadn't been so embarrassed about it, he would probably had asked Jo but now he was embarrassed for some reason and definitely not shy.

"Castiel? Did you even hear my question?"

Fuck, Ms. Mills had called for his attention and he felt every pair of eyes turn towards him and he tried his hardest not to blush as he opened his mouth.

"I.. I was.."

Think, think, think.

"It's okay this time, Novak."

The rest of the lesson Castiel sat straight up trying to actually participate in the lesson and it kept his mind off the empty chair in the classroom.

After the lesson, while leaving Ms. Mills stopped him and asked to say some quick words. Castiel felt slightly uncomfortable by the thought of being alone in a classroom with his teacher, even if it was his favourite teacher but he said yes, of course.

Ms. Mills were leaning towards her table with a slightly concerned look upon her face.

"Castiel, what is going on? If there is something troubling you, please say it. I have noticed you haven't been your usual self. Is it because Winchester moved, I know you two were friends and he always seemed to like you."

That was not what he'd expected and still it felt strange and the comment about Dean were not something he would like to talk about.

"I can insure you, Ms. Mills, that I'm fine."

He smiled his best smile but the young teacher still looked concerned when she said 'Okay, Castiel, but you know you can talk to me.'

Yeah, sure, he _could_ talk to her and he _could_ also talk to Jo, Gabriel, Anna, hell, he _could_ even talk to Andy. But he wouldn't.

Castiel had had the song 'it's killing me' stuck in his brain for two days and now he'd had enough, so he tried to shut it out with music and chose a loud song while sitting on his bed one Saturday morning when he was trying to both wake up and get the annoying song out of his head.

_'Hard time forgiving_  
_Even harder forget_  
_Before you do it son_  
_You might regret a friend!'_

Yes, this was working. 'It's killing me' had no chance of surviving this song. Castiel sat there in this normal spot in his bed with, of course, his coffee mug in one hand, slowly sipping the hot drink.

_'Turn me for granted,_  
_But guard other few in_  
_I'm aware of this _  
_I didn't let you in!'_

He really liked the lyrics, they were sung hard and angry and them made Castiel himself feel a bit angry. Maybe they hit a bit too close to home.

_'Sing for you to swim,_  
_Dancing on the left_  
_Try to make you stay_  
_I didn't let you in!'_

Castiel were starting to feel a bit uncomfortable in his anger because they were hitting very close and now it wasn't that fun anymore.

_'Brought to what became,_  
_Became you & me_  
_Try to mend it but_  
_I can't bend the tr-'_

The music stopped when Castiel clicked on the button and it all became so quiet. It was pretty nice actually.

* * *

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Castiel, happy birthday to yooooou!"

Anna, Gabriel and his mother had all burst into his room at six in the morning and now he were yawning because they'd actually awoken him.

"Happy 18th birthday, Cassie. Now how does it feel? Now you're all grown up and... legal." Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows and Castiel yawned again, trying not to hear his brother.

Anna threw herself onto his bed with two presents, handing them to him.

"Happy birthday, my big brother." He looked at the two presents and then back to her and smiled. His mom also came up to him and kissed him on the head, of course with a camera in one hand, ready to take awful pictures of the tired Castiel.

"Open the one from me first!" Anna said while nearly jumping up and down like a little kid with excitement and of course Castiel started unwrapping the one that had a note on it that said '_Happy birthday my best brother (don't tell Gabe)!_'.

He opened the square present only to find that it were a... CD.

He turned the CD to se the cover and read out loud;

"Philip Phillips - The World From Side Of The Moon."

"Yes! I know you like music and you always listen to such sad music so I bought you this one. This guy is awesome!"

Anna kissed him on the cheek and he laughed.

"Thank you, Anna."

"Come on, who even owns CD's now Anna?"

"Hipsters, such as Castiel."

"I'm not hi-"

"What hipster would listen to Philip Phillips, god Anna." Gabriel said it in a mocking voice but smiled sweetly and Anna just slapped his arm.

"Anna and Gabriel, don't fight." Their mother said and shot them a look that they both smiled at.

Castiel reached for the second, a little larger, green present.

He opened it carefully and found a new coffee mug, large, dark blue and lovely.

"Thank you so much, it's lovely." He really meant it, he did like the cup and he looked forward to filling it with hot coffee.

"It matches your eyes," his mother said lovingly and he smiled towards her and she smiled back.

Then Gabriel handed Castiel two more presents in which he found a new book that he'd been looking for and the new Microsoft Word, which he laughed at because Gabriel had told him a thousand times that the old one he was used to, sucked.

Castiel felt good all day long, Jo and Andy sang for him and gave him a big cookie with a birthday candle in and people he knew and even some he didn't know stopped and told him to have a happy birthday.

Everything felt good until he put the new album on shuffle by mistake and the lyrics hit him after a while.

_'And I would do it for you, for you_  
_Baby I'm not moving on_  
_I love you long after you're gone_  
_For you, for you'_

* * *

**A/N: **The three songs I used this chapter are Waiting by Alice Boman (brilliant), Hard Time by Seinabo Sey (bloody brilliant) aaaand Gone, Gone, Gone by Philip Phillips (you've probably already heard that one though haha.


	5. Chapter 5 - Shyness

**A/N:** Yes, this is a very short chapter, but I think I like it that way.  
Anyway, I'd like to say thank you to Naenae00 for commenting and being an overall nice and lovely person.  
Yesterday I had such a bad day and I sat with swollen eyes and then I saw your comment and it made me smile and feel so much better and stopped me from doing some stupid things so I just want to tell everyone that every single nice comment you leave probably make a difference. I really mean it too, it made me smile when the tear were streaming.

There are only one more chapter this one, just so you know.  
**Now, to the short chapter!**

* * *

_Shyness let it go _  
_never have to be alone_

_**Thieves Like Us - Shyness**_

* * *

After years of telling himself he wasn't shy, he now understood that he were in fact shy. It had hit him one day and now he couldn't stop thinking about how shy he were.

He had always tried to deny it; since that one day that he'd told his father that he didn't want to do something stupid like kids always does, and he'd said that he didn't want to do it because he felt shy and he had been feeling shy too. Then his father had told him really harshly that, no, Castiel, you're not shy you just don't want to do it. Don't say you're shy, because you're not shy, Castiel, not shy. You're just stubborn, not shy, not shy. And then, his father had disappeared and fell into the darkness, disappearing, nowhere to be found. Castiel had always thought it was his fault and his shyness' fault so that were probably why he hadn't been shy.

But he were and had always been shy, oh so shy.

Shy, stupid, little Castiel.

* * *

And life went on for shy little Castiel. First heartbroken but then better and better and better and then things were nearly normal even if he still sometimes missed the green eyes and the laugh. Jo used to talk to Dean and told Castiel things and that made Castiel glad, because he seemed to be fine too.

Castiel graduated and it all went on, as life does. College were next and still Castiel just wrote like crazy whenever he got the chance and the music he listened to grew part of him, just as the green eyes once did. He dated people, of course he did. He were happy, living the life of a nearly-teenager-nearly-adult with laughs and friends went away and friends came but he always tried to stay in touch with Jo because she were in fact very special.

It was kind of hard being a young adult but Castiel really enjoyed moving out of his mother's house and finding his own place, even if it was small and he didn't have much money; the little he had came from scholarships and his work in the coffee shop down the road where he lived. His life were busy, but he liked it even if it sometimes felt like something were missing.

Now the problem wasn't he weren't shy, because he were.

Castiel were shy and he wanted to let it go but it was harder work than he'd thought.

* * *

**A/N: **The song used in this... well you can read it under the lyrics, but anyways, the song is called "Shyness" by Thieves Like Us.


	6. Chapter 6 - I don't feel so alone

**A/N: **OKAY, so I was planning on this being the last chapter, it was always the plan (but there were a different ending) but my lovely friend Sharon told me that "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA STOP WRITING IT, WHY?" so I decided that I'm not ready to let these to idiots go, so I changed the ending a bit so that I can write more.

Not only that, but I have a four-day-weekend, so I will write like the lunatic I am.

Also, this is the first part of the story I wrote, thinking it'd only be a ficlett, but then I added more story to it all so it's a bit rough and not all in the same style that I've written in before, so it's probably slightly off even if I've read it through and changed everything for what feels like near a hundred of times.

* * *

_Waist deep in thought because when I think of you. _  
_I don't feel so alone._

_**Owl**** City**** - Vanilla Twilight** _

* * *

Castiel felt as if he'd been walking for forever and forever, the sun, now low on the sky, were shining in his eyes and it made him even a more bit annoyed. Not that he didn't like the sun or the walk; he really liked it, but today he had a lot to do and he felt stressed after this long day that he were glad soon ended. The whole day had been weird, his alarm hadn't worked as it was supposed to this morning and after waking up an half hour too late he'd been forced to miss his breakfast and rush to the college where he'd been studying for some time now. Most days it was great being a student but some days Castiel wished he'd just been writing, because right now he wrote whenever he were home and then during the daytime he went to college, reading and studying and if he weren't at the college (some days he didn't have any lessons, or simply started late) he were in the small coffee shop down the road from where he lived. Today he didn't actually didn't have any homework (he'd done all of it yesterday) but he really wanted to write because lately he'd just hadn't really had the time.

Castiel hurried around the corner and took a right turn into his street, feeling relieved to soon be home and seeing the welcoming light in the apartment that he knew he'd forgotten to turn off this morning. The sky were turning into a more red colour as the sun has started to move downwards but it didn't affect the lively city that very much, it was always very alive and light. The light seemed to come from everywhere; cars, buildings, shops, the streets and the flaming sky.

When he walked there in the big city surrounded by buildings, cars, shops; people he felt pretty alone. Even if there were people everywhere they all seemed to laugh, talk and have fun and here he stood, alone and quiet. Most days he liked the quiet and alone-time but today he felt restless.

Suddenly Castiel felt a wet nose that he usually didn't feel against the palm of his hand and when he looked down he noticed a big golden retriever, smiling at him in its dog-way. He couldn't help but feel like it were there because of his thoughts of loneliness and he smiled back at the dog before he stopped and looked around. This particular street was very calm and he didn't se anyone that seemed to be looking for the dog by his feet that happily waved its tail and had its mouth open in a big dog smile as if the dog was very happy to se him and it wanted to say hi to him. Castiel had always loved dogs and looked at the big, happy creature in front of his feet that made him feel a bit lighter actually.

A little curiously Castiel took one of his hands and started stroking the dog over its head, for a second just forgetting about how stressed he was and how much he wanted to go home, just focusing on the soft coat.

"Where are your ow-"

"BOOONES!"

A loud call made the dog (and Castiel) turn its head but it still stood by his feet as if it was trying to prove a point to the one who was calling for it.

Castiel looked up and saw a man, dressed in a worn leather jacket and jeans, walking fast towards him, giving the dog very dirty looks.

When he finally stood in front of Castiel and the man, who looked oddly familiar (and pretty good too) looked at Castiel a big smile lit up his face and that face made something clench in Castiel's chest and then he could nearly hear something snap in his head when he realised whom he just had walked into.

"Wait, I know you! Eh, Cas, is that you?" Seeing that face Castiel never thought he would ever se again, seeing those green eyes and freckles and the smile that lit up his whole face and the way he'd brought his hand to his hair while saying his name.

"..Dean?" Castiel asked, not sure how to react to this strange moment. He wanted to run away, but it had been three, maybe four, years since that embarrassing party and he'd promised himself to try to not be shy so he still stood there. He were focusing intensely at not running away but still managed to notice that Dean too looked shaken and shocked.

"I never thought I'd see you again, Cas." Dean said after a while, using that nickname again, Dean being the only one to ever call him that, even if it had only been one time it still were stuck in Castiel's brain like old gum.

"Should see your face, you're confused," chuckled the man and Castiel felt a slight blush rising because, yes, he were confused, very confused, and a bit embarrassed too. He noticed his head were tilting to one side and he straightened up again and cleared his throat a little awkwardly. Before he'd never noticed that he turned his head a lot but last month his sister Anna had pointed it out and now he simply couldn't get it out of his head.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I just.. thought the same I guess. That I'd never se you."

"Well, I'm here," he smiled even wider and a small smile reached Castiel's lips, he just couldn't help it.

This was the longest conversation he'd ever had with Dean and still he thought, he felt, as if he still knew the guy that had moved away and somewhat broken his heart.

"That you are."

A sudden bark reminded them why they'd actually walked into each other and Dean looked down at the golden dog, looking like he'd forgot about its existence for a while, but Castiel just continued to watch Dean.

"Bones! You nasty dog, are you trying to tell me you don't like me?" Dean smiled and bent down to put the leash on Bones' collar. He stood up again and his eyes, very green eyes met Castiel's.

"Castiel, meet my brother's asshole of a dog, Bones."

The golden retriever still smiled towards Castiel, happy to be the centre of all attention again and Castiel stroked the dog over his golden, soft fur again. It made him calm down a bit, because even if it had been a long time ago Castiel had surely been thinking back to those green eyes sometimes.

Castel looked up at Dean again, "I find him quite charming."

"Yeah..." Dean was still looking pretty unconvinced and looked at Bones once again.

"Hey, thanks for catching this wild beast, but I shouldn't hold you here any longer."

Castiel felt a bit puzzled, Dean wasn't holding him here, actually, he was enjoying this even if he still felt like running away might be the best option. Maybe Dean was the one who wanted out? That was probably it, Castiel had never known him, they'd never really been friends.

"It was... You wasn't holding me up, I was simply stressing home because I had a long day. But if I'm holding you up, then don't feel bad for leaving." His voice probably sounded a bit stiff but he didn't think Dean would notice.

"No, no, come on, let's catch up for old times, Castiel." Dean smiled now. "Come on, join in on our walk. Maybe he", Dean nodded towards the dog when saying this,"will actually come with me if you are the one at the end of the leach."

Now Castiel felt better again, walking around with Dean Winchester... For a second he wanted to say no, to run away and forget this had ever happened, it would be easier, but he knew that if he did that he'd regret it for a long time so instead he said yes and smiled.

They started walking along the road, still unusually calm Castiel noticed. Or maybe it wasn't unusual calm, maybe Castiel simply noticed it less because he were here with Dean Winchester, the lost boy?

"So what's this stressful job you got?"

Castiel looked up, smiling.

"Oh, I'm in college, right now my only work is as a barista in the coffee shop down that road," he pointed towards a bigger road that were surrounded by large buildings, "and then I write whenever I have time. But if you're referring to my stressed behaviour it's just been a very weird day."

Dean smiled big and Castiel couldn't help it, but his heart were dancing even if he tried to tell himself that he now were grown up, nearly an adult.

"Those things should keep you busy either way. So what's this strange day you've had?"

"I don't know, today everyone just simply seems so down to earth except for me."

Dean chuckled.

"Well at least Bones here likes you, down or not." He was right, Bones were now walking between the two of them, looking strange content in his dog way and Castiel wished he had a dog, a friend, someone to walk with.

"That's something." Castiel smiled and thought to himself that he hadn't smiled this much for days, even if he still felt a bit pretty awkward regarding the whole strange situation, he did in fact enjoy Dean's company and it seemed as if, at least Castiel thought, the other man enjoyed his company as well. At least he hoped this.

"So what did you do after high school, Dean?" Castiel asked, trying to avoid the gap that were in between Dean moving (and his dad dying) and graduating high school.

They turned a corner and now there were cars. Lights were flashing in front of them and most days Castiel would've probably stopped for a while and just adored the beauty of the city but today something else was keeping his mind busy.

When asking the question a more serious look reached Dean's face and he cleared his throat. Castiel felt a bit uneasy and really hoped Dean wouldn't say anything about the crash and about Castiel himself but watched the other man's every move, trying to detect if Dean would go there.

"Well, my old man... passed away, as you probably knew, so that left me to take care of things," Dean put on a half smile which made Castiel's stomach flutter for a short while, both because of the smile and because he'd mentioned the accident.

"But my brother, Sam, remember Sam?" Castiel shock his head even if he did remember Sam, because Dean had never told him about Sam, nor had he seen Sam and saying that he remembered Sam might make Dean uncomfortable and Castiel didn't want that.

"Well, anyways, Sam convinced me that I should keep on study and now I'm here, working in a restaurant as a chef of all things."

Castiel could feel his eyebrows being lifted up and a surprised face appearing because he felt somewhat surprised.

"I'd never have guessed but it sounds good, Dean. Do you enjoy it?"

"The job? Yes. I work with food, what's not to like?" Smiles. Cars rushing by, lights hit his face and then he just felt the need to say something.

"It feels like it was ages ago since I last saw you."

"It was ages ago."

The silence that they fell into after that statement felt a bit awkward but Castiel just tried to think about what more to say and show Dean that he kept no weird feelings towards him. It was hard to think of something to say because he could hear the blood pump in his ears and he felt very warm and he were aware of every step, every move and how close they actually were, just a dog keeping them apart.

They met some other people, some smiled towards them and Castiel wondered what they looked like to others; friends, colleague... lovers? He felt himself blush slightly at the thought.

When Castiel once again turned his face towards Dean's the other man was already looking at him and it made the blush he'd just had waited out, come back his cheeks.

They continued to walk, Dean talking more about his job and Castiel laughing and commenting and it were all very nice until Dean's phone started ringing and he cursed and picked it up, trying to hold the leash and the phone at the same time while Boones didn't want to be still.

"Yes, Sam, what's up?"

Dean frowned and then his face relaxed and then it looked surprised.

"Fuck, I forgot, fuck! I'm out with Bones right now, but I'll be there in a sec."

Then he hang up on the phone and got a sad look on his face when he looked over at Castiel.

"I'm so sorry, I have to go. Where did you say you worked again?"

Castiel said it was okay and then he pointed to the small coffee shop, Dean smiling and promising he'd come by some day and Castiel nodded, yes, he would look forward to it.

Dean left in a hurry and Castiel stood at the same place, looking after him for a while until he realised how cold he felt so he started walking home again.

It was weird, before the run-in with Dean he'd felt so alone and now he... didn't, even if he knew that Dean probably wouldn't "come by" some day, because everyone always said that and then they didn't.

He cursed at himself for once again getting so intrigued with the other man when he walked along the road, thinking about how green Dean's eyes had looked in the dim light in the still-so-awake city.

The cold were hunting him down when he hurried home, it were biting him through his cold trench coat he'd loved too much.

After ten cold minutes he reached the building and coming inside made him felt better and warmer.

Half an hour later he'd showered slowly, put on some comfortable clothes and now he sat by the window, looking out with a cup of coffee in his hand and listening to the music that were softly making its way through the apartment. Castiel were sitting there, thinking, while his computer lay in it's bag next to the door, where he'd left it when he walked into the small apartment. It lay there, forgotten, while Castiel sat by the window thinking and listening to the soft voice that quietly sang the lyrics.

_'If you ever wonder _  
_If you're always in my head _  
_I assure you it's true _  
_You don't have to worry _  
_Even when you're gone _  
_I still spend every day with you'_

* * *

**A/N: **SONGS USED:

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City  
We'll Be Okay - Imaginary Fut


	7. Chapter 7 - It moved me

**A/N:** I must say I like this chapter, but I like the next one more... Hehe.

* * *

_You stood behind the counter_

_I walked up, keeping my head down_

_Something, something it moved me now_

**_Imaginary Future - Love is Beginning_**

The next day were a Friday and Castiel really treasured those days because Fridays meant that the weekend were close and that he had no college for two days. The only thing that weren't great about Fridays were that after his last lesson in literature at three o'clock he had to hurry to the coffee shop to start working half an hour later. Even if there usually weren't much people in there at that time it still always kind of made Castiel wish he didn't need to work, but he did so yeah, there were no way around that.

This Friday were especially good since he'd met Dean yesterday even if he were still trying to convince himself that he should really just let it go, now, or it'd hurt him. The thoughts made him unfocused but it didn't really matter that much, as he usually were very focused. After that last dreadful literature lesson (that he usually loved) he picked up his earphones in his hurry to the bus station and then, the coffee shop.

_'Cause I want to be seen  
With a fresh pair of eyes'_

The streets rushed by where he sat on the bus, watching the trees, the people, the cars, the bikes and the buildings and listening to the music in his earphones.

He felt pretty content with life even if he still had a weird restless feeling in his gut that made him want to run, run, run away, never to be seen again.

_'The single white tree  
In a black hood of disguise'_

The bus stopped a few times and people jumped on and off, all under Castiel's observing gaze that he tried keeping unnoticeable but he were still pretty convinced it was obvious he were watching everyone since some people kept staring back.

As if no time had gone he suddenly were at his bus stop and he jumped off the bus, the wind catching his hair and playing with it and making it even more messier than before. If there were something Castiel didn't really like, it was his hair. It simply never did as it was told, it were always everywhere, trying to make him look as stupid as possible.

He walked the short distance from the bus stop to the coffee shop, trying to avoid walking into anyone. A new song popped into the earphones and he couldn't remember adding this to his playlist but then again, sometimes he added a lot of music and then forgot about it.

_'I love you more than you will ever know  
I love you no matter what you do'_

He reached the door and kept his head down to avoid the wind that still were in his hair, everywhere, dragging his clothes and making his trench coat swirl everywhere. This fall weather were really ridiculous.

_'I loved you before I saw those pretty eyes  
I loved you right away'_

He stopped the music just after entering the small shop and then he put the earphones in his pocket while looking up and then his eyes got stuck on something, no, some_one _behind the counter.

First Castiel didn't really believe his eyes and he probably stopped right there in the doorway, because behind the counter sat Dean, looking as casual as ever with a face that turned into a smile when he saw Castiel coming into the shop. In a heartbeat his heart had changed its rhythm and then he reminded himself to keep going because it'd look weird if he stood there all day both admiring and fearing the sight. He tried not to look up, but it was hard because he felt Dean's eyes on him from behind the counter. Why were he there? He didn't work here, why?

The coffee shop were far too small for avoiding and even if it would've been possible to avoid Dean, Castiel wouldn't have been able to talk himself into not walking up to Dean so now he stood there, on the wrong side of the counter, smiling at the man on his side of the counter.

"Hi, Dean. Why are you on my side of the counter?"

"I were walking and saw the shop so I thought I'd talk to you. Your workmate here," he nodded towards Balthazar, "said you'd start your shift in ten minutes or so when I asked for you so, yeah, I decided to wait for you." He held up a cup of, what appeared to be coffee and took a sip and then he smiled.

Castiel just nodded, feeling a bit strange since Dean had actually came when he said he would and then there were Balthazar standing in the corner of the shop throwing Castiel looks full of questions (and some eyebrow wiggling) that also made him feel slightly awkward.

"Well, that's.. I didn't think you'd show up."

Sometimes it were hard getting his mouth to say what he wanted to say, especially when he were a little nervous which mostly ended up with him saying exactly what were on his mind or him just not saying anything. He knew it was stupid.

"And still, here I am, as good as ever."

Castiel smiled and took off the trench coat to join Dean and Balthazar behind the counter. He didn't really want to let go off the coat since he still felt a bit cold but he knew that after a while of working in the cloud of steaming coffee he'd get warm enough.

"Don't you have work now, Dean?"

"I start around five o'clock, during the daytime the shittier chef works, on the nights they only need me, the golden boy." He laughed and even if what he said were cocky he didn't seemed to be filled up with himself and that were interesting to Castiel for some reason.

"So you're the golden boy?"

"Not really, but one day maybe."

Dean were acting as if they were friends and that was one more thing Castiel needed to add to the list of 'Odd things about Dean Winchester' (if he'd had one then). Dean and him weren't friends.. or were them? Castiel wasn't sure anymore.

"BOYS, I'll have to leave now, don't do anything stupid and Castiel, don't forget that you should take care of the costumers too." Balthazar called and before any of them had any time to answer him, he were out the door.

Castiel sighed and picked up his name tag from a little hidden place behind the counter. One costumer walked through the door, making the small bell above the door ring and Castiel turned to the door, a tall woman walking in whom he...

"Anna!" He called and his red haired sister looked up and smiled widely. Dean, whom Castiel had nearly forgot about (not really), leaned in closer to Castiel and whispered something.

"Who's that?"

"My sister, Anna."

Dean laughed and when Anna were in front of them he studied both of them and said before anyone else got the chance to say anything;

"You don't look that much alike."

Now it were Anna's turn to ask Castiel, but without removing her eyes from Dean, looking a bit too interested for Castiel's liking and it made him once again feel that strange clench in his chest.

"And who's this?"

"Anna, this is Dean Winchester, Dean meet Anna, my younger sister."

"Wait. Dean Winchester, as in the Dean Winchester who went to the same high school as us?"

"Yes, ma'am." Dean said and shot Anna a half smile that made Castiel far too jealous because it wasn't made for him but for his sister and oh how he wished it would've been made for him. Why did his sister always have to be so.. no he didn't have a word for it and he definitely shouldn't care about the matter, it were none of his business.

Anna smiled at them both and then turned to Castiel.

"I were just in the area and wanted a coffee. Can I please just have a black coffee in a lidded take away mug, please?"

"Sure thing, sister." He didn't think he'd ever hurried as much with an order before because he could se how Dean now were talking to Anna and he didn't like the sight, not at all. He kept glancing over and one time he caught Dean's eyes and he smiled so Castiel smiled back and then it felt okay again.

A very short while after Anna said her order he left her the take away mug and she smiled, paid and then left in a cloud of red hair.

"Wow."

Nope, Anna wasn't wow, not now, not for Dean. He didn't want to ask the following question but he had to, because letting Dean's word hang in the air would've been far too awkward even for Castiel.

"What do you mean?"  
"She's... something."

"She can be a bit over the top, I know."

"You're not very alike."

"Must be my good looks."  
"Probably."

* * *

Dean continued to come into the coffee shop from time to time and Castiel found himself feeling a bit down the days he didn't show up. He still weren't sure if they were friends or not and if they were Castiel must've been the shittiest friend ever since he really... liked Dean, like really liked. He didn't like that he liked Dean since he knew it'd never work out and why would Dean want Castiel? No, it wasn't likely so he just continued with the relationship they had, whatever it were even if most of the time Dean weren't looking he looked at him or whenever they talked Castiel had to focus really hard not to get sucked into the green eyes in front of him.

The strange thing was that it still felt so natural and casual and none of them ever mentioned how they never talked in high school, instead Castiel just tried to enjoy it even if it was so hard because every time he looked at Dean he just saw those oh-so-green eyes and the perfectly shaped lips and the constellations that he always wanted to count even if he knew he'd get lost.

In other words, he had gotten it badly and he were a really shitty friend if that now were what they were, he still wasn't sure.

* * *

His alarm clock started ringing but he were already awake, staring out of the window with a coffee cup in his hand, the deep blue he'd got from his mother three years ago.

_'Maybe you're right, maybe this is all that I can be_

_But what if it's you, and it wasn't me?_

_What do you want from me?_

_What do you want from me?'_

He turned off the alarm and returned to the small desk he had standing by the window. Once again he returned to looking at the computer screen and once again he let his fingers dance over the keyboard and write down everything he had in his head, telling the story he had fallen in love with and that had been occupying his mind for the last month or so. Every minute he'd had off he'd been writing, perfecting, looking over, reading through and writing even more. After a month of his crazy writing spree the story now had over 50'000 words. Some days he could write 2000 words, some days less and some days more. Castiel were a bit scared that he'd get bored and never finish the story so he hurried but even if he nearly always thought about the story he didn't grew tired of it.

This made his life pretty stressful, but the writing also had a calming effect on him and right now his work as a barista were calming because most days Dean stopped by and even if it were only for ten minutes it brightened his day and made that sometimes fake smile he greeted the costumers with a little more pure and all this work made him so tired but he felt a flow he'd never felt before and one part of himself whispered that it was all thanks to Dean but he didn't want to listen to it, because if what it said was true then he were already addicted to the other man and he couldn't have it like that.

* * *

One Friday when Castiel were about to close the shop, a little down because Dean had been nowhere to be seen, gone, and the winter seemed to be approaching too and the cold weather made him think about the walk he had to his apartment in the cold weather.

When he walked to the door, letting the last costumers out and then starting to clean up the little he had left, he heard something knock on the door. Outside stood Dean and Castiel felt surprised because shouldn't Dean be working, but with the surprise that familiar feeling he got every time Dean were close came and made him feel a little better.

When he made his way to the door he could se Dean's face better and better and it didn't look good, even if he had a small smile on his lips the happy only seemed to be transparent, the smile only a ghost dancing vaguely on those perfect lips. His green eyes looked dull and not as full of shine as they used to. Well, they shined, but in another way, the shine in them now looking as if they came from tears.

Castiel opened the door, letting the ghost of Dean Winchester in.

"What has happened?"

No answer, Dean only walked in and sat down on a stool.

"Dean, what's wrong?"

Dean put his face into his hands.

"I just... I just fucked up, as I always do."

"Wait here a minute and then I'll close this and we'll... we'll walk to me, okay?"

Dean just nodded and sat at the stool, staring out into the windy evening where people went by, laughing and Castiel understood how Dean felt, like the only lonely person in a city full of life and people. His heart broke for a second but then he cleaned the pieces up just as the mess in the coffee shop and for being done in a hurry it didn't look too bad. Dean just sat still on the stool but when Castiel were finished and quietly walked up to him Dean turned around and smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry, I should go."

"You're no problem and where should you go?"

"Get drunk."

"I have some shitty wine in my apartment if that would be enough."

His heart were beating so loud that Dean probably heard it, the whole world probably heard it but right now it didn't matter and he were sure Dean would say no so he prepared for the no that he knew would come. Only it didn't.

"Okay, sounds good enough to me."

* * *

**A/N: **SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:

Love Is Beginning - Imaginary Future  
Fresh Pair of Eyes - Brooke Waggoner  
Imaginary Tea - Jon McLaughlin  
W.D.Y.W.F.M? - The Neighbourhood

Yes, I based the first part off the first song... hehe.  
Also, the thing with Anna... Hmm.


	8. Chapter 8 - As long as I'm laying by you

**A/N: **I'm aware that this is very short but I really just wanted to focus on this particular event so that's the reason for that.

Also, I've never been drunk so yay for trying to write that, haha.

* * *

_It's early in the morning_  
What are we doing up  
Still drinking wine out of  
Coffee Cups  
That's fine by me  
As long as I'm lyin' by you

**_Langhorne Slim & The Law_**

"So this is my simple home."

Castiel turned on the lights and the not-so-very-clean-at-all apartment showed itself in all its glory. The small apartment had things thrown everywhere but even if it wasn't super clean it wasn't very messy.

"Excuse the mess, lately I've just been writing."

Dean walked in and now he didn't look so very sad anymore, the ghost were replaced by the ordinary Dean who looked around the small apartment with genuine interest. Castiel liked the look and the feeling of Dean in his apartment, he looked so at home anywhere he went and maybe they were finally becoming friends? After looking around for a second Dean turned his head to Castiel, smiling.

"So what are you writing exactly?"

"It's stupid."

"I don't believe that."

"You should."

A silence fell over the room and Castiel felt the awkward so he hurried to the small kitchen to try to make the uncomfortable situation liveable again.

"You hungry?"

He could hear Dean walk around the room and he imagined that he were looking at everything in there even if Castiel found the room to not be so very "him". Usually when people were in his apartment he felt a bit flashed but now it only felt like getting to know each other. He could hear that Dean now were by the window where he kept his desk, so when writing he could look out at the city and he could nearly see Dean looking out the window with a small smile, the move very similar to the one Castiel used to do. The thought made it flutter in his heart and he felt a warm, nice feeling.

"A little bit," Dean admitted sheepishly.

"Is Chinese okay with you?"

Castiel picked up his phone and finally found the menu he'd been looking for.

"Yes."

Twenty minutes later they sat in front each other on the floor, with two boxes of Chinese food between them. Castiel had never been sure if he liked Chinese takeout and still he wasn't. That he liked it this time so much had everything to do with Dean's presence and he didn't really taste what the food tasted like because all he could see was Dean.

Castiel had tried his best to get Dean a bit happier and right now Dean were laughing and the sound made Castiel laugh too, it were too flowing and too open not to join in on.

"So what was it that made you so down?" Castiel said after the laughter died and made the room quiet.

Dean threw a half smile that looked rather sad and Castiel didn't like the look upon the face of Dean's.

"You mentioned you had shitty wine?"

"I did."

Castiel got up but before turning around and walking to the kitchen he opened his mouth a little worryingly.

"Don't want to talk about it?"

"Not really." The smile disappeared and Dean looked at the floor so Castiel turned around and walked into the kitchen, finding the bottle of shitty wine he'd had for far too long ago, he didn't even remember why or when he'd gotten it, maybe as a joke from Gabriel? He searched the kitchen for anything other than cups but didn't find anything so he called on Dean.

"Dean... Does coffee cups work?"

He heard a soft laugh which made Castiel smile and also made him wish he could se Dean laugh, he always wished to se every laugh Dean would ever make but he knew it was impossible and for the hundred time this evening he told himself to stop thinking about Dean that way. But of course it didn't work and it certainly didn't work when Dean said that coffee cups would do just fine and he walked into the room, taking one of the cups from Castiel's hand, making their hands touch lightly. After he'd taken one of the cups Castiel had picked out and he started pouring wine in both of them and then he took a sip, looking like he drank coffee.

"Man, this is weird."

* * *

Some days he wished he could forget and get tired of Dean as quickly as he got tired of a boring story but he knew that Dean wasn't a boring story, no, he were like his current story; exiting and Castiel were not even close to get tired of it.

"Hey, you want to hear some music?"

"Hmm, yes."

Castiel hurried to the computer which he then plugged to his speaker and opened Spotify to select his most lively playlist.

The tunes started coming out and Castiel felt good even if Dean looked a little surprised and not so very fond of the music he'd chosen.

_'Oh I put it on red and I lose,_  
I regret all my tattoos,  
I just wanna be a fence sitter,  
Fence sitter with you.'

"Never knew you were such a romantic guy when it comes to music, Cas." Dean teased.

"No, I thought you were 'hipster'. But then again, I've never heard this song."  
"Everyone should stop saying I'm hipster. I simply enjoy good music."

"Exactly what a hipster would say." Dean started to laugh at that and first Castiel didn't join, because the laugh were somewhat pointed at him but Dean didn't sound harsh so he joined after saying that Dean just thought he were a hipster because he just listened to old music that were nowhere close to modern

* * *

"Ya know what, Cas? My work is great, I love cookin' food an all but I can't stand one o' waiters."

"Why is that?"

"She's tryin' to get in my pants, I'm tellin ya."

* * *

"Dean?"

"Yes?"

"You know I also had a father that disappeared. I mean, yours died but mine.. I mean he's nearly dead you know?" No, why had he said that? It was such a stupid thing to say, Dean would probably get hurt and walk out of there. He couldn't compare Dean's _dead_ father with his dad that wasn't dead, just shit. No, no, no, no, why did he always have to say such inappropriate things? He needed a lesson in social skills, he needed to say anything before Dean would run away and Castiel wanted Dean to stay even if it'd probably be better for Dean if he just simply ran away.

Dean had been sad and had came to him and now he fucked it up, this was not good.

Without noticing it he'd buried his face in his hands and dragged his legs towards his body, trying to comfort himself.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm so sorry, sorry. I'm so stupid, sor-"

But instead of hearing the door slamming he instead felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Cas, there's nothing to be sorry 'bout. I don't mind.

* * *

"Look out! Look outside, Cas, come'ere!"

Castiel got up too fast and first he thought he'd gone blind but then he could se again so he hurried to the window, but outside it was dark and he didn't se anything, just some lights the city still had on.

"What? I see nothing."

"No, look at the sky, Cas."

Stars, stars everywhere and if Castiel hadn't bitten his tongue really hard he knew he would've said that the stars were nothing compared to Dean's eyes but he knew how saying weird things when drunk with Dean had ended last time.

* * *

Castiel glanced at the clock and started to chuckle where he lay, drunk and happy on the floor in his apartment. He sat up and reached for his coffee cup, filled with the shitty, cheap wine that tasted horrible but still so sweet.

"Watcha laughin 'bout?"

He kept laughing and the wine probably spilled everywhere but he didn't really care at all, not even a little bit. He didn't care about anything, he thought and that was apparently funny to him because he continued to laugh, feeling drips of the wine dripping down on his shirt.

"It-.. The clock; 'ts six." He started to laugh again and he gave up in drinking the wine so he sat down the cup and lay down on the floor again, closing his eyes as the laugh died into the nig... morning.

Something serious fell over the drunk Castiel and he lay there, watching the ceiling for what felt like forever until he felt very tired and his eyes wanted to close themselves.

That was when he turned to Dean to tell him how tired he felt but Castiel found that the other man already were sound asleep, his face so relaxed and calm and Castiel turned around to the side so he could see him easier. With heavy eyelids he watched Dean until he fell asleep, on the floor in the small apartment, six o'clock in the morning.

* * *

**A/N: **SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:

Coffe Cups - Langhorne Slim & The Law  
Fence Sitter - Ball Park Music


	9. Chapter 9 - Names I don't recall

**A/N: **So I didn't feel like reading this through two times so I just proofread it once after finishing everything (I still proofread it inbetween that) which means that if some things may be off or seeming weird and that's the reason for that.  
Hmm, other than that; fairly interesting chapter, I promise some more fun stuff in the next chapter though... ;)

* * *

_Names I don't recall_

_Rarely if ever at all_

_Faces leave the traces you lie_

_Shadows on the wall_

**_Kemo Sabe - Mess In My Head_**

Castiel were woken by Dean, who woke up around twelve o'clock which meant that they'd only gotten around six hours of sleep but it was enough for Castiel who just yawned and got up into a sitting position with a headache and a stiff body after sleeping on the floor.

"How do you feel?" Dean asked after seeing Castiel yawn.

"I feel like shit, how about you?"

"Same here."

Castiel laughed and Dean, who were standing in the kitchen smiled at him and that was when Castiel noticed that Dean were standing by the stove in a cloud of something that looked oddly like..

"Dean, are you making breakfast?"

"Yes, sir."

Castiel got up, now with a big smile.

"Nothing beats a hangover like a greasy breakfast."

Castiel got up completely, his body screaming and aching but he tried to ignore it while he stiffly, like an old man, walked to sit down by the small table that stood in the kitchen. Only two chairs stood by it and only one of them were frequently used; the one he sat down on.

Dean turned around towards the stove again and the air smelled like eggs when Castiel saw his computer on the table. He opened it up and got thrown right into word where his story were flashing its glory and Castiel shot a glance at Dean and figured that he could at least write down some things that'd flashed through his mind during the late night.

While his fingers were dancing over the key board, sometimes swiftly and sometimes reluctant and unsure of their next move he didn't notice Dean sneaking up behind him and silently watch him work.

When he finally did notice he jumped a bit and wondered how long Dean had been standing there, the slight embarrassment of getting lost in the story turned into a small blush that burnt far more than it should've. He stopped writing and looked at Dean who leaned in towards the laptop, probably to se the text better and then he read, his eyes skimming through the text and the sudden closeness made Castiel feel a bit weak and he wanted to get his eyes off of Dean because if he'd get caught it wouldn't be nice but he couldn't.

Being this close to Dean reminded Castiel of last night and in something close to panic he went through all the memories but he didn't found anything weird or something that were sticking out so he felt a bit relieved because now when he came to think of it the breakfast seemed an awful lot like a morning-after breakfast.

"This is really good, Cas."

Somehow he'd forgot about Dean who'd been inches away but now stood straight up.

"Hmm, thanks I guess."

Dean laughed loudly while Castiel were wondering what were funny. Dean walked over to the counter to fetch two plates with fried eggs.

"The chef's special hang-over breakfast coming right through."

* * *

Castiel were sitting by his computer one evening when his phone started ringing. At first he didn't notice, he were too into his story that now were started to become longer and longer. The story were still going strong and Castiel couldn't help but fall in love with it over and over again, each time more and more passionately. He sat at his desk and were really into it, writing some really intense shit when his phone started ringing.

Irritated he answered the phone without checking who the caller where.

"Yes?"

The single word he'd spoken came out a little too annoyed but he didn't really care, he were tired and just wanted to write some more.

"Hi, Castiel, it's Jo. Is it bad timing?"

And then he regretted his angry tone from before. Jo hadn't called in a long time and Castiel just hadn't had the time and to be honest he'd nearly forgot about her, which now made him feel really bad.

"No, it's fine, I'm sorry for my tone earlier, I didn't know it was you. So how are you?"

"I'm all good, studies are going good and everything. The Roadhouse is filled with a bunch of drunk asses right now, I'm trying to hide away right now so you don't have to listen to their shit."

Jo were studying economics since she were planning on taking over The Roadhouse, her mother Ellen's bar/restaurant which Castiel only had been to two or three times and he found it cozy indeed, but a bit loud.

"But hey, I were talking to Dean on the phone the other day and he told me you two met each other and now you're friends!?"

Castiel felt a sudden relief that he were not talking to Jo in person because he could feel his face flame up and he knew that if she'd seen it she'd go crazy about it and she'd never shut up about it. Ever.

"Umm.. True?"

"CASTIEL, are you blushing?"

"No." Nope, not at all, what is blushing even? Never heard of such a thing.

"Yeah, sure, _Cas_. I heard that were your new name."

"It's not my ne-"

"It is."

"Is not."

Jo just laughed and a silence fell over the conversation and Castiel were somewhat boiling with a bit of anger.

"I miss you, Castiel."

The mood switched in seconds and Jo were talking quietly now.

"I miss you too, Jo."

Castiel heard some sudden noise in the background and something that sounded like a yelling Ellen.

"Sorry, I got to go, Castiel. Something is happening, but please, can't you come over sometime?"

"Sure, I'd lo-"

"Bye!"

The call ended and left Castiel with a warm feeling even if what Jo had said made him feel strange and uncomfortable (too much seemed to make him uncomfortable lately). And why had she mentioned Dean and what had they been talking about, but most importantly; she'd said him and Dean were friends. He felt a bit relieved because now he had a label on it and didn't need to feel like that awkward guy pretending to be friends with someone.

He sighed and looked back at his computer screen, around 90'000 words into the story and close to the end he felt pretty good. Still, he loved the story and he had gotten some faith in it.

Maybe he should do something about it, he'd love to get it published and be an... author. The word sounded so strange and big in his brain, it didn't fit him at all.

He placed the phone on his desk and looked at the laptop once more before deciding to turning it off and then laying down in bed with a head full of thoughts. That night Castiel fell asleep with Jo, his story and Dean on his mind, combined in a weird way.

* * *

He should've just admitted to himself that he'd been giving his literature class too little attention, close to none, but he didn't really feel the need to, for some reason. There'd been a time when he always admitted all the things he'd done wrong but now he felt more stubborn and careless, something close to the I-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude Dean seemed to be sporting most of the time. He felt pretty bad about the class, but then again wasn't writing stories (that'd some day maybe turn into a book) kind of literature? Making excuses were new to Castiel but really, he didn't care and whenever he didn't care he liked it, he felt careless and that should've be a bad feeling but it wasn't. It were still going pretty good in college and he were on the same page as the rest of the class, the only thing that wasn't normal (for him) was that he wasn't ahead of the rest of them but that really wasn't necessary to get a degree, he knew that and that knowledge kept him somewhat going.

He had pretended at first not to know where this new rebellionism came from, he had told himself it was all done by himself but sitting in the front row of the classroom as he always did, he did as his former self would've done and just straight up admitted to himself that it was Dean that'd helped him doing this whole... thing, whatever it was even if he probably wasn't aware of the effect.

And after all, he did not just ignore the class; it was only on special occasions he did not listen completely and he'd understood that it were 'okay'; even close to 'normal' in this strange life. It were only on the days he felt judged by the people in his class - the people whom he ought to remember the names upon, but still never succeeded in remembering their names - it were only when they shot him weird looks, because during all the years before there he'd been the 'star', as he knew some would refer to him as such, even if he'd never call himself that. And for some strange reason he wished to fulfil the title they'd secretly given to him but he knew he couldn't go on working until his life were torn apart, because that were the requirement to being the 'star'. He still wasn't sure _why_ their opinions mattered to him so much, they were only some people with names he never seemed to remember.

* * *

Some days he wondered how the coffee shop made money because at days like this there were close to no people so he could just sit behind the counter, sipping coffee and thinking (sometimes if he were extra sneaky - write). He wasn't sure if he liked the day so far; the only light had been when his teacher in literature had talked to him after class to tell him what a wonderful job he'd done on his last paper and she'd said that his language was wonderful and he'd said shyly that he wanted to become an author and the teacher had encouraged him.

He smiled to himself even if he must've looked extra mental to the three people sitting on various places around the shop. As always, when the watch on his right arm finally turned five o'clock, he felt a little down because he'd learned that Dean started working at five o'clock and if he hadn't been to the place before then he probably wouldn't come at all. He knew the thought shouldn't give him pain but still it did and he still wasn't comfortable with the strange sensation of what a simple human being could make him feel.

Instead of feeling gloomy he leaned on the counter, trying to watch the faces of the people in the small area, without looking like a total creep, hoping to succeed but probably failing. He liked to watch people and wonder what stories they had; like that man by the window. Why did he wear a hat, a big sunhat, even if it outside were now cold, dark and windy outside? Had someone special given it to him, maybe he had bought it himself to cover up his hair. That longing stare he kept throwing out of the window, were he waiting for someone, someone he maybe loved? He didn't look completely calm either, his left leg were shaking impatiently even if he probably hadn't noticed it himself. Maybe he didn't like to wait for that person of his or he wasn't waiting for his special someone, maybe the person didn't like him back and he were simply stressed because he wanted the person in his thoughts to like him back?

And with that thought Castiel realised that he'd just made up a story for the man by the window, a story based on his own life and he were happy no one were able to read his mind. He quickly glanced around the store and felt a bit better that no one were looking at him because in that small moment a blush started form on his cheeks and embarrassed and somewhat busted (even if only were by himself) he looked away and sent a silent 'thank you' when a new costumer walked in through the doors to occupy his mind for a moment long enough to forget what just had happened so he could never think of it again. Never.

* * *

"Dean, this isn't necessary."

_'So close, no matter how far  
Couldn't be much more from the heart'_

"But it is, Cas. Sorry, but your taste sucks ass. We're starting this slowly."

_'Forever trusting who we are  
And nothing else matters'_

"_Your_ music taste sucks ass."

_'Never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way'_

"You haven't even heard it yet!"

_'All these words I don't just say  
And nothing else matters'  
_

"Okay, sure, we'll go on but only if I can play something for you later."_  
_

_'__Trust I seek and I find in you_

_Every day for us something new'_

Castiel had to admit that he actually liked this song even if he'd never heard it before, despite Dean's disbelief (Dean only mumbling something about hipsters) after Castiel numerous of times telling him that he'd never heard it.

_'Open mind for a different view_

_And nothing else matters'_

"You like it?" Dean looked oddly similar to a happy puppy sitting in front of Castiel, waiting for candy.

_'Never cared for what they do_

_Never cared for what they know  
But I know'_

"I guess it's okay," he admitted sheepishly and watched Dean throwing a fist in the air in some form of victory._  
_He then ran over to the stereo and paused the music, seeming eager to show Castiel some more.

"I'm sorry to interrupt this baby, but we have so much to listen to and sooo little time."

* * *

**A/N: **

Did you enjoyed Dean being in Castiel's personal space? Thought I'd change the roles for a bit hehe..  
SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:  
Kemo Sabe - Mess In My Head  
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

Weird thing; when I found the song 'Mess In My Head' it was through Spotify and I couldn't find it on youtube or even on google search (even for me that's odd) so if you want to listen to it I recomend using Spotify.

ALSO REVIEWS ARE A NICE THING JUST SAYING IT DOESN'T HURT TO WRITE THEM JUST SAYING.


	10. Chapter 10 - Want you to realize

**A/N: **Hmm, yes I like this chapter. The thing with Anna can seem a little thrown together but this is a bad day so yes.

Okay, so right now I have four more chapters planned where I have an end, maybe I'll add or take away one, I'm not sure yet but we have some more VERY FUN THINGS.

* * *

_I got so much longing in my eyes_

_How come you don't realize it?_

_And as you walk into the night_

_I just want you to realize it_

_**Kal Lavelle - I Fell in Love With a Friend**_

He wrote the two finishing sentences which he'd had in his mind for some time now and then he just sat there, staring at the word document that now filled too many pages for Castiel to actually comprehend its size. He just stared at the computer screen as if it now would blow up or start to dance. Castiel were so tired but he felt some weird ecstasy he wished he could share with someone and maybe scream for a bit, jump around and dance even if he didn't know how to dance at all, not even the slightest.

Even if he felt so happy for finally finishing the book (when had he changed the 'story' in his head to 'book'?) he felt kind of empty because what would he do now with all this time? Sure, he'd probably read it through plenty of times and correct every weirdly put sentence or ill fitting word but still he managed to feel alone in his small apartment when he actually should be feeing extremely happy, which he did but he still couldn't comprehend that it was actually _finished_.

For a moment he felt like calling Anna but then he looked at the clock on his wall and it told him that he shouldn't call her, not at two o'clock in the middle of the night. He knew he should be going to bed (he didn't have any classes next day but he had to work) but he felt restless and still kind of ecstatic; which were weird in a weird mixture with sadness and loneliness, but instead of going to bed he went to the kitchen to refill his coffee cup after thinking about if it were a good idea to drink caffeine when he should be sleeping. He then walked back to his desk to put on some silent music as he clicked the save button on the document at least five times; he had to be certain it would save and then after doing that he mailed it to himself, just to be sure it would not in fact just go away or drift away into oblivion just like his father had managed to do.

_'Oh, shut my eyes,_  
_Lose myself in teenage lies,_  
_If I fell in love a thousand times,_  
_Would it all make sense?'_

* * *

Dean came into the shop the next day, making the day slightly better because Castiel had only gotten four hours of sleep and felt like a zombie (even if he were somewhat happy). Dean walked up to Castiel, smiling at Castiel's expression.

"Roughday?"

Castiel had already started making Dean his usual coffee and nodded as a response.

"I only slept four hours because I finished the story and then I just couldn't sleep."

When Castiel turned around to hand Dean the hot drink he saw that Dean's eyes had grown big.

"Really? You finished it? That's awesome, man! Congratulations! How're you gonna celebrate?"

Castiel didn't really understand the need to 'celebrate' because of this thing. He'd simply finished the book, like he'd always intended. Actually, he kind of felt empty after finishing it so he wouldn't celebrate. But what made him the most conflicted with the question were the fact that he'd actually not thought about it before. After all, who'd he celebrate with?

A talking Dean made him return to reality and he could feel a slight frown on his face which he tried to make disappear.

"Dude, snap out of it. Don't tell me you're not gonna celebrate."

"No, _no_, that is not happening, Cas." Dean said when Castiel didn't really answer with anything but a look at the ground.

Castiel looked into Dean's far too green eyes and made his best not to drown.

"Okay, so what will I do, then?"

Dean looked right back into Castiel's eyes and as usually his heart started doing weird things at the meeting of their eyes. Castiel couldn't help but feeling thankful that no other customers were walking into the store at this time because he didn't feel like breaking the stare.

"Well, we'll do like this. You bring someone close to you, your sister or brother or something and to The Garrison tomorrow night. Deal?"

Castiel just nodded at that, stunned for a second and he had never been to The Garrison, the restaurant where Dean worked at, and the fact that Dean now had invited him there made him feel extra good even if Dean would be in the kitchen.

"Good, now hand me that coffee, I really have to rush. See you tomorrow night then? Come by at seven, okay?"

He gave Dean the coffee after only being able to say a simple okay and then watching Dean leave but remembering some manners when Dean were in the door.

"Dean, thank you!"

Dean chuckled but didn't say anything, just walking out of the coffee shop, leaving and then the only thing left of Dean inside were thoughts and memories in Castiel's brain.

* * *

At first when Castiel had asked Anna, trying to be as casual as ever (who were he trying to kidding, he sucked at the whole 'casual' thing) Anna had looked at him suspiciously and remarked that he had been spending an awful lot of time with Dean and Castiel had just very quietly said yes.

Of course, she had agreed to the plans and now they were sitting at the table booked in the name "Castiel Novak". The table were inside the restaurant by the window so they could look outside and se the cars and the people rush by in a splash of colours.

No menus came to the table and the waiter told them that Dean ('Winchester' as she said) had told her not to give them menus and that they were getting 'The Chef's Special'.

Castiel felt happy even if he had no clue what he'd get and Anna were talking about her work and Castiel did find it interesting.

"So Cassy, enough about me. We're here about that book of yours, which you must try to get published, but... Dean. Gabriel told me you used to have a huge crush on that guy and I see the look in your eyes when I say his name. Castiel, are you in love with this guy?"

He felt his cheeks turn red and suddenly he didn't feel as happy. His eyes were locked on the table but he took one big breath to look Anna in the eyes and tell her she were wrong but when he met her caring eyes he felt something snap in his brain and he couldn't help it but he just whispered a very quiet yes even if that were the exact opposite of what he wanted to say. That were the moment he realised he were in love and he damned himself for ever letting it go this far. He were still looking into Anna's eyes but now he wasn't really looking anymore, just that he were inside his head and his eyes happened to be on Anna's.

"But Castiel... Don't you want him to know?"

He were back in the real world and oh how he wished it didn't exist in the exact now. His head lay itself in his cold hands.

"Sometimes I want him to notice it, but.. But I don't think he likes me that way."

His voice that already were a whisper somehow managed to grow even lower to the end and he wasn't sure if Anna had heard him. The sudden sorrow he felt on what was supposed to be a happy, celebrating night didn't felt good and it had already started to take a tight grip on his mind.

"Castiel, you won't get anywhere if you hide away, you know that."

Anna's voice were soft and caring yet somehow it hurt very badly. He knew all that and hearing it from someone else just highlighted his imperfection and struggle and made seem more real.

And in that moment Dean himself had to come out, happy and with two plates of food and Castiel felt like running, hiding and maybe get hit by a bus but instead he made himself look up and smile brightly at Dean who looked so incredibly light and happy himself. Dean congratulated Castiel once more before wishing them an enjoyable meal and excusing himself when someone from the kitchen called on him.

When he left Castiel fell together again, now with a red face and tired mind. Anna looked as if she felt bad for bringing Castiel down on his day and soon she started talking again, now about a book she'd just finished, a book that Castiel had recommended. Thankfully, Castiel kept the conversation going even if he just said some small things.

After finishing the food (chicken in some rich sauce served with small potatoes) which were incredible they asked for the check but the waiter just smiled at them and said that it were already paid and Castiel felt embarrassed but happy because Dean had actually given this to him. Mostly he felt tired and in need of sleep that never made him wake up again.

* * *

He hadn't seen Dean since that day and it'd been three days. Yes, he had been avoiding him, he just felt like he couldn't look into those green, green eyes without dying a bit inside. He felt so stupid for being so weak and he hated it deeply. He wanted to hate Dean, but he couldn't, he were so nice to him so Castiel had decided to keep the friendship going if he could but still he didn't feel ready to look Dean into the eyes and smile and act as if nothing had changed because it had. He knew he should be able to, really, it were all very stupid of him and he were so angry, so angry at himself for all this extra trouble it caused him.

As usually when he were angry he tried to let the music take over him but today he just spoke to the music, angry at everything.

_'The world was on fire and no one could save me but you_

_It's strange what desire will make foolish people do'_

The world were still on fire and nobody were there to save him. It were so strange what people would do and still he were the foolish one, thinking and wanting. Desire, huh.

_'No I don't wanna fall in love_

_This world will break your heart_

_Nobody's falling in love'_

That he knew of but he already were in love, after all this denying he knew it and he hated it. The world were breaking his heart already because it were determined to.. fall for someone he couldn't have.

_'What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way_

_What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you'_

The lyrics were wrong, it wasn't Dean's fault, it were strictly his own but he wanted to blame it all on Dean but he knew he were weak himself so yes, it were all his fault.

The lyrics then just repeated itself and Castiel kept thinking about the lyrics and how wrong they were until the song changed and another song started playing, soothing his brain.

* * *

Why had he went to work today? He could se Dean coming through the door and it freaked him out more than it should've had if it were a normal day. He tried his best to look occupied and oh-I-did-not-see-you-there but he wasn't sure if it'd worked when Dean came to him with a frown.

"Cas, where'ya been?"

He swallowed hard and made his eyes turn to Dean's eyes but they didn't get sucked into them very badly and he were still standing so it were all pretty okay and he felt that he gathered some new courage.

"I've been... busy."

Dean just nodded but still the frown wasn't gone.

"Thanks for the dinner, Dean, it were... nice, very nice." Castiel bent down under the counter and picked up his bag to search for some money that he'd left in it. He took up the bag on the counter seeing as no new costumers were coming in.

"How much were it?"

First Dean just looked at him as if he didn't understand anything but then he put his hands in the air.

"No, Cas, it was on me. Don't you _dare_ pay anything."

So now he stood there, looking stupid with his bag in one hand and a blush rising. He didn't want Dean to pay for his meal, he were capable of it himself (even if it would burn a little in his budget) but when he said that Dean just said a plain no again.

"But, you owe me one, okay?"

That Castiel could kind of accept that so he just nodded and handed Dean his coffee he'd made when he saw him in the door.

"See you tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

Dean left with a wave and a smile while Castiel sighed because he'd made it. He felt good, this would work, why had he ever thought that this would be hard? He wasn't feeling any of those weird feelings anymore and he wanted to laugh out of happiness but he didn't because even if the coffee shop usually had few costumers there were still a couple of people and he didn't want to freak out the few costumers they had.

That night he found himself singing some lines from the song he'd heard yesterday. He didn't always sing to himself, only when he were happy.

_'Overjoyed, over you. Overnight, that's what you do.'_

* * *

**A/N: **SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:

I Fell in Love With a Friend - Kal Lavelle  
Sense - Tom Odell  
Wicked Game - Philip Phillips (Okay so this song isn't originally done by Philip Phillips but I like his version and that's the one I were listening to so yeah)  
Lock Me Up - The Cab

(Reviews doesn't hurt to leave)

ALSO THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO IS FOLLOWING OR WHO HAVE REVIEWED AND FOLLOWED AND FAVOURITED IT MAKES MY DAY OKAY.


	11. Chapter 11 - I will share your road

**A/N: **So yeah while writing this chapter I discovered my shitty use of was/were (aka grammarhell) thanks to a review on and I'll try to read through the previous chapters and make it look prettier because I realised (I know omg UK spelling) it's a mess once I looked into it (apparently it's not that hard since in Swedish we have both words; just that we rarely use one of them).  
There were something more on my mind, hmm...  
And yes, it does hurt my (slightly) hipster-y heart to use old songs because they're all so wellknown, but that's mostly because I suck at old rock and I want some good meanings behind them. Seriously, putting Mumford & Sons also kind of hurt even if I love them. The old songs I use I pretty much found through the brilliant fic 'Play It All Night Long' which I took all the songs from and put them all into a playlist because I'm a nerd like that.  
WELL after my long enough babbeling, enjoy some Sammy/Cas/Dean but mostly Sam because he's golden and you know it.  
(Long note, long quote, short chapter, short laughter.)

* * *

_Don't let your heart grow cold__  
I will call you by name  
I will share your road_

But hold me fast, hold me fast  
Cos I'm a hopeless wanderer  
Hold me fast, hold me fast  
Cos I'm a hopeless wanderer

**_Mumford & Sons - Hopeless Wanderer_**

Castiel just finished sending his nearly two hundredth query letter to yet another publisher, every single post address and e-mail he'd found was now used. His head felt heavy and he were tired when the phone called and to his surprise he could se that it was Dean that were calling, which were very unusual even if they had each other's number they rarely used them.

"Hello Dean."

"Cas! You know how Jo always talk about that we should come visit? I have one of my greatest ideas ever!"

Castiel felt a little lighter now, but Dean always seemed to have that effect on him.

"What do you mean?"

"A road trip. Me, you, the Impala and Sam, but we'll pick him up after half the ride. It'll only take about one day to drive there, so it's a shit road trip, but still."

"That sounds... Great, but I have a lot with college."  
"Cas, we're going over thanksgiving."

"Okay." His heart were pounding, he knew it was a bad idea, going alone in a care with Dean Winchester and he didn't want it to hurt but after all he didn't have any plans and he didn't want to be alone on Thanksgiving. Even better, his mom lived close to Jo so he could always visit her.

"That's everything you have to say? No other plans?"

"No, not really, why?"

"Nothing."

Castiel could hear Dean smile on the other end of the phone and the thought made Castiel smile too.

"I just thought... Never mind. It's settled then, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, yes you will."

* * *

The days until the extra- extended weekend seemed to be moving fast because one day Castiel stood outside his apartment building, a light bag containing some clothes, his laptop, a book, a toothbrush and some other stuff in his right hand and (of course) a takeaway cup of coffee in the left one. If he hadn't had stuff in both his hands he'd pull his coat tighter because even if he were wearing a knitted sweater underneath, a warm scarf and his deep blue beanie (yes, it was a shit combination but he didn't care) it was pretty cold outside in the early morning. While waiting for Dean (where was he anyways?) he couldn't help but think again, that maybe this wasn't a very bright idea. Going in a car, alone with Dean. At least he'd be alone with him for half the trip and then his brother whom Castiel had never met would tag along, the brother who Dean always talked about with such fondness. Castiel were actually looking forward to seeing him.

That's when a black car came driving towards him, the car was old but well kept and made roaring-like sounds. It stopped next to Castiel and in the driver's seat he saw a smiling Dean and that was when it struck him that he'd never even seen Dean's car before.

"You like my baby?"

His head jerked up from looking at the car to the voice but then he smiled and nodded.

"It's very pretty, Dean. Chevy?"

"Chevy Impala '67," Dean said with much love in his voice and Castiel found it funny he gave so much love to the car, but then again, Castiel gave a big portion of love to letters on a paper forming sentences and pages, chapters and then at last, books.

Dean jumped out of the car and opened the trunk so Castiel could put his bag in there which he did. Then they both got into the car and Castiel looked around, it felt very much like a small home.

"It's very well kept. For how long have you had it?"

"She, it's a she."

Castiel laughed, he found it strange to give the car a gender. "Okay, for how long have you had _her_?"

"I got her from my dad when he died in that car crash."

Dean weren't the one to make the moment awkward, it were entirely Castiel's fault because it made him think of that time in the small apartment and shitty wine. He cleared his throat and just said as strongly as he could;

"You must be good with cars."

"My father taught me everything I know."

Castiel looked at Dean who apparently didn't see Castiel's discomfort in the subject when they took turn after turn to get out of the city.

"He must've been good with cars, then."

"The best."

Then Dean dropped the subject and started talking about Jo and Thanksgiving and Castiel couldn't help but let his eyes linger a little too long on Dean's face.

* * *

After driving for three hours they stopped to eat at a small road restaurant with big signs saying they had the best burgers in the state and that seemed to catch Dean's eyes.

"Cas, you have to try these burgers they have here, it's as close to heaven you'll ever come, I promise you." Dean told him before he ordered two burgers with fries without asking if Castiel really wanted a burger, even if he didn't really minded it, he never really knew what he wanted anyways.

They sat down with their food at a small table in the pretty full room, everyone with food and smiles.

"I thought you were a classy chef?"

Dean had already begun to stuff his mouth with the big burger, looking very content with life as he always did when he had food in his mouth.

"Doesn't mean I can't enjoy a burger."

The sight... It were really something. Castiel had never seen someone so happy over something so small as a.. burger so he smiled along and took a bite off of his burger, which he had to admit, it were a pretty good one.

* * *

Castiel had been scared there would be an uncomfortable silence sometimes and now he wasn't sure why he'd ever thought that. Dean weren't hard to talk to, no, he were an easy talker and interesting which were a great combination. Castiel shared that he'd never been on a road trip before, only a short one when he was sixteen and Gabriel wanted to 'show him the world' as he'd said and they ended up not knowing where they were and even Gabriel had to admit to being lost and Dean laughed at the story. Dean said that him and his brother had nearly lived on the road as kids, living in motels and in cars. He didn't say it in any sad voice but Castiel could still detect the pain and sadness Dean held to some of the memories because even if they were happy they still held some melancholy.

The stories made Castiel more excited about seeing Sam (not Sammy as he'd thought it were at first), Dean's brother even if he liked to be alone with Dean.

When they weren't talking there were always some loud rock music that Dean had on cassette tapes (apparently all Apple products such as iPod's were the work of the devil). Dean were still trying to get Castiel into the music and yes, some song he found to be good, but mostly they were just loud but they were all great when Dean listened to them, singing along with them and making small dance moves behind the wheel.

Those songs made Castiel wonder how Dean didn't end up with one of those horrible long haired rocker haircuts but he was pretty glad Dean didn't have one.

* * *

After one more hour of driving they took a turn and turned into another big city, the city where Sam lived. Roads, cars, humans, lights flashed by and as usually they made Castiel somewhat mesmerised.

Ten minutes later (and some swearwords later from Dean about the traffic) they stopped by a road where a huge, brown haired man stood with a big, happy grin on his face and a bag that looked small in his big hands.

"That's your brother?"

"Yes, that's Sammy."

"He's huge."

"He's big as a house but kind as a kitten."

Dean grinned to Castiel before jumping out of the car and hugging his brother while Castiel tried to decide if he should get out too but the decision was already made when seconds later Sam got into the backseat and Dean into the drivers seat.

Sam threw a smile at Castiel and held out a hand but Castiel caught something in the eyes, that was in fact as kind as Dean had said, but there was also something else that looked protective and a bit held back.

"Sam."

Trying to forget about the eyes, he'd probably imagined it, he took the hand and Dean started driving.

"Castiel."

"I've heard lots about you, Castiel." Sam smiled and the thing Castiel had seen in his eyes seemed to be gone and now they were strictly interested in him.

* * *

Out on the road again Dean were blasting his music even if both Sam and Castiel shot him annoyed glares while trying to talk.

"So you're still rocking the whole cassette thing, Dean?"

"Shut your pie hole, Sam, just because all you listen to is shit."

"Yeah, sure. 'Cause cassettes have such good quality."

Dean just shook his head in disagreeing after Sam's sarcasm.

"Cas," Sam said, quick on picking up the nickname Dean usually used, "You should tell him about the cassettes, he may listen to you."

Castiel felt confused, why would Dean listen to him about the cassettes? He was pretty sure Dean wouldn't trade the cassettes for anything so him saying the quality was... not the best would probably do nothing.

"Why would he listen to me?"

"Oh, I don't know." There were something glittering in Sam's eyes and this time it wasn't the same protective undertone he'd seen before, no, this was something else.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Dean barked, not really angry, but with a bit of annoyance over the brother's comments.

"Nothing," Sam said and leaned back in the seat with his hands behind his neck, looking content with life as Dean sighed and turned down the volume a bit with a face that made Castiel once again having to force his eyes off the driver.

'_And I knew there was no turning back (Thunder)__  
My mind raced  
And I thought what could I do (Thunder)  
And I knew  
There was no help, no help from you (Thunder)'_

* * *

Around eight o'clock they stepped out of the car, smiling but still kind of tired. Dean looked the most tired of the three but then again he'd been driving the whole trip, giving out looks that told Sam and Castiel how rude he thought it was when they offered they could drive for a while.

Castiel's body felt stiff after sitting down the whole day and he tried his best to stretch it a bit which helped only a little but he didn't have the time to do it for a long time.

"CASTIEL, DEAN, SAM!"

Jo came through the door, walking with long steps and a smile on her face.

"Look what the cat dragged in," she smiled before she attacked first Castiel, then Dean and lastly Sam with hugs. Castiel wasn't aware that she knew Sam but just decided to leave it because it was pretty cold outside and he wanted to go inside.

They took their bags while Jo stood watching them with a fond smile that Castiel knew meant she was happy. Jo usually didn't show many emotions but after knowing her for some time Castiel knew most of her faces and he liked thinking and determine what they all meant.

The house she lead them to were placed next to The Roadhouse on the lot and the sounds from the bar escaped and filled the cold evening with happy sounds and memories from Castiel's childhood and high school years.

"How long time did the drive take this time?"

"I think we started around twelve or eleven, not sure. So about eight to nine hours with two small pauses for food."  
"You guys hungry?"

"Starving!" Dean said and looked very serious, because food always seemed to be very serious to him.

"You're always starving, Dean." Castiel remarked.

"Hey, Cas, I was gonna say that!" Sam said and started laughing when he saw Dean's pissed off face.

"Food is important."

"We all know it is to you, Dean." Jo laughed.

They put down their bags in the first room that looked nearly exactly like Castiel remembered it (it wasn't that long since he'd been there after all) and then they headed to The Roadhouse.

* * *

**A/N: **Wow only TWO SONGS IN THIS CHAPTER, JULI, REALLY?

SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:  
Hopeless Wanderer - Mumford & Sons  
Thunderstruck - AC/DC

(Have you figured that I love these guys (yes, I'm talking about these) yet, they're my life.)


	12. Chapter 12 - Long to feel alive

**A/N: **Okay this is a... hmm I don't want to spoil it so I'lll just talk to you more after the chapter.  
It's not superlong but it was pretty intense to write. I know it's a bit fast moving, but sometimes I don't feel like going slow so yeah.  
Enjoy some feels.

* * *

_So when it's all not what you thought_  
_And the friendship is not enough_  
_When you long to feel alive_  
_And take the chance to give it up_

**_Elaiza - Is It Right_**

Castiel was seated next to Dean and Jo's mother Ellen. He was not comfortable with the seating, he was too close to Dean so his eyes were too often hooked on the face next to his. Instead he just tried to look down at the rather uninteresting table that he grew tired of when he'd followed the lines in the wood with his eyes a couple of times.

He was also not comfortable and kind of in a panic about the whole what-are-you-thankful-about?- thing and he wanted to thank everyone at the table, especially Dean, without letting it all shine through.

Ellen had been the one who started the chain of thankful things and now Jo, next to Dean, began to talk but Castiel couldn't hear her, instead he had blood pumping in his ears.

".. That you all are here, I'm meeting my friends, it's all wonderful."

He could se her smile but it seemed pretty blurry through his mind and he wondered silently, calm in the safety of his own mind, how she did it and if he should smile back.

"Dean?"

Dean cleared his throat and looked a bit nervous and embarrassed at his new task.

"I'm also thankful for all of us being together." Castiel's hands were sweaty.

"I like to think of all of you as my family."

Heswallowedhard.

"I.. I'm happy right now and I'm thankful for that."

His thumbs were nervously making small circles.

"And I like to send a thank you to all of the good coffee I've been drinking lately."

Something snapped in his mind and he looked over at Dean who wasn't looking at him, but he saw a small smile when Dean saw Castiel in the corner of his eye.

"Castiel?"

Ellen's voice made Castiel's eyes once again wander to the table.

"I.. umm.. I'm thankful for this. I- I.."

He took a shaky breath and looked up, focusing on something on the wall in front of him.

"I don't know how to say this but I.. I know I can be very silent and boring but still I am here with you and... I like that. Thank you."

His words came out a bit too fast but it didn't really matter because he got it out and he wanted to look into the faces of the people around the table but he found it hard. He tried one more time and looked around and they all smiled.

"Castiel... You're not boring."

He looked at Jo who had a sad smile on her face. He just smiled nervously and shyly back. When his eyes were making their way back to his hands he met the green eyes which belonged to Dean and he stopped for a minute to take it all in, all the green and in that moment he wasn't sure if he could do the whole 'friends' thing.

* * *

When Castiel visited his mother the next day she asked him if he's okay, like she always did every time they met. She wondered if he'd had a nice thanksgiving after telling him about her and telling him that he should've been there, in the local church with her. And Castiel smiled, as usual, and said that he was okay but even because he was supposed to be okay, he had friends waiting for him that had invited him there and he had been eating some really good food, but he still felt like something was missing and he couldn't help but think that Dean was the problem, or more Castiel's feelings.

That was when his mother had looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, slow and caring something that got stuck in Castiel's brain.

"Castiel, I know you're not okay, I can feel that. I know you, Castiel, and you should tell him."

Castiel had felt thunderstruck and just stammered up some words, wondering what she meant and she had just taken his hands and kissed them and told him that God was watching over him and that had made him feel even more down.

* * *

It was weird, the day at his mothers' had brought up old memories, lots of them. Suddenly Castiel wanted to tell Dean it all and he blamed his mother's words for that, because even if she'd probably been talking about God and not Dean it hit way too close to home.

He was sitting on the edge in the bus seat on his way back the Harvelles', the bus he'd taken what felt close to a millions of times and in his ears there were music which he sang along with in his head to keep his mind of Dean but it didn't really help at all.

Castiel was aware how shy he could be but he also felt like it had gotten better and he knew that telling Dean was a step in the right direction. Of course he was scared, he wanted nothing but to run and he couldn't count the times he'd thought Dean didn't like him, but that Dean had been the one to ask him to join for Thanksgiving made him think otherwise.

_'Friends, I watched us as we changed_  
_The feelings in my headspace rearranged_  
_I want you more than I've wanted anyone_  
_Isn't that dangerous?'_

The bus took him everywhere along the roads, the narrow and the wide ones and every second he came closer to The Roadhouse and his heart was beating faster and faster. He did kind of nearly enjoy it and felt something close to a rush.

_'What if we ruin it all?_  
_And we love like fools_  
_And all we have we'll lose'_

He could see the bus station and he got off, trying not to walk too fast or too slow but it was hard when there were a thick haze covering his mind. It wasn't a long walk he had, though._  
_

_'I don't want to watch you go  
But I want you so'_

Soon he was standing in the house and he took the stairway, two steps at the time, until he stood at the second floor in the house, deciding to go for it.

_'So tell me what_  
_Tell me what we choose_  
_What we choose'_

He turned off the music when he stood in front of the door which led into the room Dean and Sam were sleeping and without the music he could hear his heart even clearer.

But before he knocked he heard Jo and Dean talking and he stopped when he heard his own name, the hand still curled in a ball that was about to knock on the closed door.

"..wonder... I know how you feel, so why did you bring Castiel?"

Jo was the one who was asking the question and he knew he shouldn't be standing there listening but he froze. The adrenaline which had pumped through his veins froze as well and he felt like a piece of ice, not sure if he should be happy or sad over the thing. He would get to know how Dean felt.

"I thought you wanted him here."

That didn't sound good, Dean was talking in a 'I'm trying way too hard to be casual'-tone and Castiel's hopes were still up but they were slowly going down.  
"I do, but do you?"

"It's just... I don't want him to get hurt."

His mind wasn't taking it all in, it was too complicated now and the words didn't make any sense.  
"That's nice and all, Dean, but you can't keep doing this."  
"Why?" He sounded stubborn and suddenly Castiel could easily managed to feel angry at Dean which he hadn't been able to feel before. The adrenaline were once again pumping but now it was cold and full of the kind of anger and disappointment you get after getting hurt.

"You're hurting yourself, this isn't working."

Dean didn't answer and Castiel knew he was silently agreeing. The anger was nearly overwhelming him but he then realised that he was mad at himself, how could he be so wrong? He was blaming himself for this. He'd always been thinking that Dean hated him and now he understood he'd been right the whole time.

"You should tell him."

"I know."

Castiel started walking away, escaping the suddenly too small house. He'd thought he would have energy but there was no energy in his limbs, they were lifeless and he had to drag his tired body to the separate room Jo had told him he could sleep in. He crashed face first into the bed and he didn't want to cry but he was pretty sure there were tears on his cheeks when he crashed into the bed.

The walls in the room were getting smaller and smaller and he felt like there was no way out.

Castiel felt angry at the tears, he felt angry at the tornado of feelings from his inside, he felt angry at the too soft bed but mostly he was angry with himself for believing and hoping that someone liked him back.

* * *

He didn't want to move out of his room so instead he just said he'd gotten sick as in fact, he did feel sick, sick of himself. So he stayed in the room all night and then the morning came, the morning that they were going home.

After a while of just sitting there with tears all over the place he finally got the numbness to come and take him and when he'd awaken in the morning he didn't feel so bad, nearly relieved because now he didn't have to tell Dean and he wouldn't have to worry about his stupid feelings anymore. Now he could just go on with his life, without it containing Dean Winchester.

The only thing he felt was some panic about the whole going-home-in-a-car-alone-with-Dean-Winchester- thing but he was kind of planning on just staying, maybe with his mom for just one more day, until he got "better". Maybe not even staying with his mom, just saying that he would do that and then take a seat on the next train. Still he wasn't sure if it was the best solution to the problem, probably not, the best would probably be to confront Dean about the conversation he'd heard and just ask him straight up what he'd meant and why he hadn't told Castiel about how he didn't like him earlier. Because now, it did hurt Castiel a lot and than if he'd told him right away.

The numbness he felt now was kind of nice, before he'd felt sick at those thoughts and wondered why he hadn't let Dean go that time he'd been sad or why he hadn't said no to the dinner. Now he realised that dinner was probably because Castiel was pathetic and didn't know how to celebrate and Dean felt bad for him. He didn't want Dean's pity, he would be better without it.

He heard a knock at the door and he closed the laptop that'd been in his lap even if he hadn't been using it, just been staring at it while thinking.

"Come in."

The door creaked as it was opened by... Dean himself.

"Dean." He said, leaning against the wall and adding some pain (that were in fact real) to his expression to show just how "sick" he was.

Dean looked like he wasn't sure what to say and Castiel suddenly he felt sick again and even worse when he figured that Dean was probably struggling because of what Jo had told him the previous night. Dean swallowed hard but Castiel didn't want to hear what he had to say so instead he opened his mouth before Dean got the chance to say anything.

"I'm staying with my mom until I'm better. I wouldn't want to throw up all in your car." He managed a tired, brave smile that hurt him inside and he wasn't sure whether or not it looked real, but if it didn't it probably added some extra spies to this whole freak show of his.

Dean looked once again nervous and it looked like it took a while for him to process what Castiel had just thrown in his face a bit too harsh.

"Umm.. Okay. Are you sure?"

Castiel just nodded, yes, he was sure and he wasn't sure if he felt better or worse at Dean's fast agreement that probably was because he felt relieved because he wouldn't have to talk to Castiel.

"Yes, Dean."

Dean nodded and was about to close the door when he stopped in the doorway and looked over to Castiel with an open mouth as if he was struggling with words and sentences and wanted to say something but when he met Castiel's eyes he closed his mouth and hurried to close the door behind him once again.

* * *

He took the train.

He saw lots of people but didn't feel like watching them as he used to do, instead he decided to blow up his ears with music but it didn't really help, it just made his ears hurt but he didn't really care.

It was not very late when he finally got home, but it wasn't early either. Castiel lay down on his bed fully clothed and with earphones still in his ears he fell asleep.

_'Cause you see the shelter as the storm_

_Holding wind to keep you warm,_

_You are everything to me, this is why I have to leave,_

_So sleep well my angel'_

* * *

**A/N: **OKAY SO ARE YOU AS ANNOYED WITH CAS AS I AM?

Not annoyed but a little mad because he just doesn't want to believe it, he just wants to hide away so he just misinterpretend it all. But then again he doesn't have a good selfesteem and he is somewhat broken to pieces. Still, I feel bad for both him and Dean. Ugh.

SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:  
Is It Right - Elaiza  
Fools - Lauren Auilina  
Sleep Well, My Angel - We Are The Fallen


	13. Chapter 13 - Just live

**A/N:** This turned out longer than I expected!  
The last chapter will probably take a little longer to write, so hold on tight as I give that some time. Also, it's a lot in school right now, the last week of mine in the compulsary school in Sweden, then I'm off to Gymnasiet (kind of a college/high school-thingy).  
So, um, yeah.  
There was something more I wanted to say but I don't remember.

* * *

_If you must work,  
Work to leave some part of you on this earth  
If you must live, darling one,_

_Just live_

_Just live_

_Just live_

**_Keaton Henson - You_**

He hadn't had much success in avoiding Dean completely, he still had to work at the coffee shop but he was doing his best which as usual didn't seem to be quite enough. Every action to get away from the other man hurt a bit but he felt as if he had to do it and this whole time... he still wasn't sure why Dean kept coming back, maybe Dean was still trying to not hurt him which he'd failed miserably at.

Two times Dean had started to open his mouth with a serious expression and in panic of what he was sure Dean was about to say he'd hurried away with some lame excuse. It was one thing to know that Dean didn't like him but it was a completely different thing hearing it from the man himself, so he'd rather avoid that if it was possible.

Both times Castiel had seen the look in Dean's eyes that told him there were not enough words to express what he wanted to say and Castiel understood, even if he didn't want to. That look went deep and it looked like an apology for the I-don't-like-you-thing and turned into annoyance when Castiel gave Dean his lame excuses.

* * *

It was a late evening when Castiel's phone rang. It was probably cold outside, at least that was what it looked like and Christmas was creeping up.

At first he thought it was Dean and didn't want to answer but then he checked the caller ID and found it to be a number he'd never seen before so he shrugged and took the call, the unidentified number making him a little interested even if he figured it was probably someone who had got the wrong number.

"Castiel Novak."

"Hello, my name is Chuck Shurley, from Edlund's."

Castiel's heart probably never before started beating that hard, not even in the presence of Dean. Edlund's were one of the many (far too many) book publishing companies Castiel had contacted.

Chuck continued;

"So, I read your book, 'Fifteen minutes too late' and I must say I'm a bit impressed. We're just wondering if you'd be interested in us publishing the novel?"

At first, he forgot how to speak. Then, it all came too fast and the 'yes' he nearly shouted out was probably a strange sound but he didn't care.

"Well, then. We'll have to meet up but I don't have any information about that right now, so I'll probably call another night, if that's okay. I just thought you'd like to know."

He took a long breath to calm himself so he didn't shout in the phone.

"Yes, that's.. that'd be perfect. Thank you so, so much, really."

Chuck laughed and he sounded glad.

"I'm glad to hear that. I'll see you around, Castiel."

"Yes, I look forward to meeting you."

The call ended and Castiel threw the phone on the bed and then just stared out into nothing for a second before he threw himself on the bed, too happy to function.

Two minutes had changed his life, he knew it should've had at least, but he found it hard to really understand what was about to happen.

The warmness of the sudden happiness lulled him to sleep after a while, slowly drifting away without the usual thoughts of Dean.

* * *

He'd actually gotten a deal and his book was currently in the process of being overlooked by an editor. He still hadn't told Dean, lately he hadn't told Dean anything even if they still saw each other nearly every day. He hadn't told anyone outside his family about the book, actually, and he wanted to, but he didn't really have anyone. The whole book-thing was exciting but he wished some days he had someone to talk to that wasn't in his family. There was Balthazar at the coffee shop but they were never there at the same times and Castiel was pretty sure that the other man didn't really like him that much.

He wasn't sure if Dean had noticed his quietness until Dean had asked him if there was something wrong with him because he'd been so quiet lately. He'd felt tired that day. It had been a long day, full of college and writing. He hadn't really been thinking about what he was about to say, like he usually did and everything had just came out.

"I heard you talk to Jo that night."

Dean had looked so surprised and scared and at the time, the angry and tired Castiel had bathed in the look of sorrow in Dean's eyes when he'd continued to talk.

"I can't believe you thought that about me the whole time... You know, it hurt. I thought we were friends."

It wasn't normal to him to say such cruel things and he wasn't sure why Dean had just put up a wall and stormed out, it wasn't Castiel who had pretended to befriend someone just to make their life better. A part of him had wanted Dean to say something back so he could respond with something hurtful.

The whole situation was weird and it probably would've been Dean that was the better person in the situation, the kind and oh-so-handsome Dean Winchester helping friendless people but Castiel didn't want the pity, didn't need him as a friend if what he'd heard was everything Dean thought of him. He knew he sounded bitter, but he was bitter and he desperately wanted to hate Dean so he tried his hardest.

For a second when Dean had stormed out Castiel had felt bad, really bad. He had wanted to run after him and grab his hand or scream his name after him to tell him they could talk about it. But he felt a bit stubborn too, this wasn't his fault.

When Dean had left Castiel had felt lonely all of a sudden and two looks from two of usual costumers had made him blush.

There'd also been something in Dean's eyes that Castiel couldn't let go off. Something that told Castiel that something wasn't right, but then he did understand why someone would think that he needed friends because he was kind of lonely.

He'd replayed the scene over a thousands of times in his head and still it made close to no sense to him. He wanted to talk about it but was kind of embarrassed about the whole thing.

The only thing he knew how to do was to play song on repeat and as the time since the screaming took part grew longer the songs grew sadder.

Castiel sighed and returned to the reality.

_'What do you see__  
When you look at me?  
Who do you see and  
What do you think  
When you think about me?  
Do you even think about me?'_

Now he sat in college again, in class, distracted by music and stupid thoughts about the thing he called life recently. He listened to the lyrics and found that it made him feel calmer and not so alone.

He tried to get the math in the book he had laying in front of him but it didn't make a whole lot of sense to him anymore. He decided that it would be best if he just concentrated on the book and turned off the music and looked at the numbers. After a while he understood and once his brain understood it wasn't hard and he didn't see the point in continuing so he just turned on the music again and stared at the numbers again, but this time he understood.

_'It's not all what it seems__  
It's not all what it seems  
Believe me'_

* * *

Some days he thought that Dean no longer meant nothing to him but still every day Dean didn't come to the coffee shop it hurt a little more and more and once again he had to scratch the first thought. He wanted to say that he'd gotten used to it after almost a month but that wasn't the case. Every time he heard a song it somehow made him think of Dean so he didn't listen as much to music anymore which saddened him but he tried not to think about it and just not care as usual even if it didn't work at all.

* * *

Life went on, strangely enough, with college and his job and everything. Christmas was creeping up on him and he didn't like it. The snow that now followed him around when he was outside was cold and wet and he couldn't wear his now too cold trench coat anymore, which was sad.

It hadn't been a lot of time since Thanksgiving but it felt like ages ago since he last saw Dean. He missed him to be honest and regretted that he'd lashed out on him even if he knew it'd been the right thing to do.

He hadn't seen the cook since the day Castiel had screamed at him and at first he'd found it a bit weird that they hadn't even seen each other but then again they'd lived in the same city for a long time without walking into each other so he had reconsidered his theory about Dean just disappearing.

He was also not looking forward to the call that he knew would come from Jo whenever she found out about the whole weird situation. But as usual he still didn't understand that everyone (well... Dean) thought it was all his fault and why he was the bad human here. He knew that he should be thankful for the friendship they'd had but it had all been a big fake thing so he didn't understand why he'd feel nothing else but agony about the whole thing. Still, he liked Dean and wondered if he'd caused him pain, which, he didn't understand how so he'd figured that Dean had probably found the whole thing embarrassing, after all he'd pretended to be friend with _Castiel Novak_. Those feelings made him want to get angry with Dean instead of himself.

Mostly he was angry at himself because he knew that he could've lived in the lie a bit longer because one friend would've been nice to have. Without Dean he had Jo and Andy whom didn't live here and two friends at college whom he'd talked to a bit and went out for coffee one time since thanksgiving and he'd probably been awfully boring but if he was, they hadn't said anything.

The anger directed at himself went on for a long time and he couldn't stop regretting what he'd done and he grew even more angry with those thoughts because he didn't like that he had low self esteem even if he knew about it. He knew he shouldn't want the fake friendship again because it wasn't real.

He was so caught in the past and he wanted back into reality but it was hard to accept what'd happened.

He knew that living in the past wasn't good but he'd always been this way and he didn't know how to snap out of it.

* * *

The Saturday afternoon was snowy but Castiel and Charlie had made their way into a crowded Starbucks. Castiel had always liked the atmosphere in there more than the actual place, it was all so... (damn him for thinking it) mainstream but Charlie, his college friend who also took literature, liked it so he hadn't hesitated.

They sat down with their cups in a corner that some people just left. Castiel was still kind of afraid he was boring but he tried his best to cheery and happy, just like Charlie in front of him who was currently talking about Harry Potter and Castiel liked Harry Potter too (even if he didn't like the whole Harry/Ginny-thing) so he joined in with his thoughts.

Charlie and him hadn't talked a lot before but lately he'd talked to her and he liked her and knew that she was far more clever than she'd let on.

So after Charlie laughed and him smiling about how they both didn't think Harry chose the right girl Castiel just wanted to tell anyone.

"Charlie, I'm sorry if I'm a bit boring," he said and his voice was now serious.

"My friend whom I think... I think I was in love with just- He only pretended to be friends with me and I feel kind of horrible about it all."

Charlie now got a shocked expression.

"What? He made you feel that you're boring? Wow, he sounds like a dickhead."

She looked angry and Castiel felt good that the anger wasn't directed towards him like his own anger always were.

"Castiel, he's an asshole."

Castiel wanted to feel that way too, but he found it hard so he just said;

"Yes."

And then they continued to talk about something else and Castiel didn't have the time to regret it.

* * *

He'd known it wasn't a good idea to drink that bottle of wine he'd had in his kitchen, but one of the usual costumers had for the first time talked to him. It was the guy with the hat. He'd came up to Castiel and asked why he wasn't seeing "his friend" anymore. Castiel had smiled because even if the question was a bit personal he felt like he knew the guy a bit, seeing him so often. The smile had been fake and he'd said something small about a fight and the guy had told him that it was sad because "his friend" had seemed nice.

He knew he shouldn't had drunk the wine but he'd done it anyway and now he sat there, drunk and sad and full of thoughts all alone, especially the thoughts that the damn hat-guy had put there.

He desperately wanted to sleep but he knew that he couldn't, he felt restless as usual so he put on some music as he always did.

But what wasn't usual were all the thoughts that came rushing though his slow brain and the feelings were bigger now after being held back for so long. Anger came of course and he wished he hadn't put on the music.

_'Into the flesh_

_Into the sorrow I fall now_

_Waves coming on_

_And I'm soaked and I'm torn_

_I'm blissed out and worn_

_And this beautiful storm_

_It comes with no warning'_

So instead of shutting off the music and going to bed as he should've had he did something even more stupid-er.

He took out his phone and stared at it for a second, having an inward conversation with himself whether or not to do the thing he planned to do.

Of course he did it, his drunk self finding the idea to be brilliant, pressing the right contact after three failed tries and then waiting when the phone at the other end started to ring.

After a long time the phone was picked up and a voice heavy with sleep answered.

"He-"

"Let me speak, Dean. I'm.. I'm so angry at you."

He didn't sound angry, that much he knew, he didn't sound angry at all, more like a pathetic excuse for a human being.

"Cas..?" When the voice on the line said his name it stiffened and didn't sound as tired anymore.

"Dean," he slurred, " I didn't want your pity, I don't know why you'd do what you did. Just... Just, it hurt so much and I want to be angry and I don't know why I'm crying."

It was true, suddenly he'd just found tears in his eyes and now it felt like a bad idea and his voice broke.

The voice on the other end didn't sound as stiff when it spoke.

"Castiel.."

"I loved you and then I heard that you never even liked me, that you hated me, Dean, why?"

For a moment the line went dead silent and Castiel wondered if Dean still was there. That his words didn't get a strong reaction made him a bit angry, he wanted a reaction, anger, sadness, whatever, he just wanted_ something_.

Then he knew he'd said too much so he just clicked the red button and threw the phone as hard as he could to the floor and it crashed. It broke, just like the invincible seal that had been holding back Castiel's tears.

What had he done?

* * *

**A/N: **SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:

You - Keaton Henson (OMG LISTEN TO THIS SONG KEATON I T)  
What - Alice Boman (MMM ALICE BOMAN IS JUST MMMM.)  
Beautiful Storm - Heather Nova (mostly had this song here because the lyrics' is golden)

So yes, some Charlie and some drunk talk (I've never even been drunk so hehe).  
PLEASE REVIEW I LIKE REVIEWS.


	14. Chapter 14 - What I needed was you

**A/N: **LAST PART. Makes me a bit sad.  
I know the ending is a bit romcom but HEY I DON'T CARE.

* * *

_I walked alone_

_And there you found me_

_I was so cold_

_But you surrounded_

_Every single broken part of me_

_I forgot who I could be_

_All alone_

_What I needed_

_What I needed was you_

_Was you_

**_Erin McCarley - What I Needed_**

After that call he didn't hear from Dean again. It wasn't weird at all, he hadn't heard from Dean before the call so why after?

Castiel wasn't sure why he'd expected something and he wasn't sure what he'd expected either, except from the horrible embarrassment he felt about the whole situation.

So he'd tried to keep busy to avoid thinking, with really just anything at all, everything worked; writing, drinking coffee, listening to too loud music that made his neighbours knock on the walls. He didn't want to think at all, really because usually it all somehow lead to that call and/or green eyes.

He was trying not to overanalyze the occasion and break down every small change in voice, every word into something that wasn't there.

But, even more as usual, he'd failed miserably at not thinking (it was what humans did after all, over thinking things) and he was currently trying to tell himself that it wouldn't hurt that he was thinking, it wouldn't change anything anyways, right?

He wasn't in class, he wasn't in the coffee shop and he wasn't at home when he thought this, no, he sat in a bus, on his way to Chuck Shurley's office, back at Edlund's.

The book deal was indeed exciting but lately he hadn't really been able to feel the joy of it all and this made him angry with himself, that he was so deep into himself that he couldn't even feel the joy of finally getting his big dream come true.

Lately his anger had grown bigger and it felt like he was walking the earth with small bombs tied too tight to his ankles which were ready to explode any second, if they met any small stone on their path. Not only that, but they were tied too tightly and were stopping his blood flow so slowly his feet had grown number and number.

The thought of the call was haunting him, really. He wanted to spill it all to someone but he wasn't sure why, how or to whom. He wasn't sure whom would want to listen to his shitty life that he wasn't very proud of for some reason and he didn't want to get judged.

He'd been thinking about calling Jo, but he was scared what she might think of him and she'd probably already heard Dean's version and he didn't want to get judged by his friend. Not only that, but he didn't want to risk screaming at her because lately he'd been so angry.

He was scared of unintentionally screaming at Chuck today too but he couldn't let that bother him (only he did it anyways).

The bus stopped close enough to the office building and Castiel got off the bus without not once looking at the other people in the bus, without watching anyone as he usually did.

* * *

He'd seen Dean. When he was walking to his college one day, he'd seen Dean. The confused feelings which had flushed through his mind had nearly made him run away and hide in nearest bush but he hadn't, he'd just walked past Dean and his heart had cried, because he didn't want to get too much attention and also, there were no bush that close to him.

His heart hadn't cried literally, of course. Actually, he'd more or less felt numb and he didn't really understand when people said their heart hurts or cried, it more felt like a big, empty nothing to him and he couldn't help but think that the nothing was worse than it hurting, but he used the phrase as only a phrase because it sounded better than saying he kept a black hole where his heart should be. Actually, he'd preferred a hurting heart, he could've taken the pain but instead he was trapped in an empty void, only filled with his thoughts.

Well, he'd hurried past Dean, with the thought that it was not convenient at all, seeing him, because now his mind was once again stuck up on the green eyes and the call.

He hadn't been able to help himself with the thoughtless staring and of course Dean had looked up and stopped, opened his mouth.

Castiel hadn't been able to stop himself from running then, not caring about what others thought and when thinking about it now, hearing Dean screaming his name he wanted to know what Dean had to say, wanted to hear his voice address him, wanted to see his green eyes even if they were filled with anger and hate.

* * *

Yes, Christmas had passed. He'd spent it with Anna, Gabriel and his mother and it had been just like every other Christmases, with a few presents, kind of not eatable food that their mother had cooked and lots of not-really-that-cheery smiles.

Of course Castiel loved his family but he sometimes wished they didn't need to pretend that they were all thinking of their absent father that Castiel only remembered holding the speech to him about him not being shy. Of course this year wasn't any different except from Castiel. He told them all they shouldn't be thinking of the past but his mother had just looked at him with roe dear-like face and told him they were in the "now". Yes, sure, _mother_.

His mother was nearly as good at lying to herself as he was.

* * *

It was February when Jo called. He hadn't heard from her since thanksgiving, he'd been scared of talking to her, what she might've said and thought about it. He'd rather live the lie that they were good then talking to her and realising the lie wasn't true (as lies usually were).

But, for once Castiel wasn't right. When Jo called she didn't really say anything at all and he thought that maybe she didn't know. It felt empty to Castiel, the nothing- talk but he gladly joined in on the pointless talking because he hadn't had a lot of that for some time. He talked as cheerily with her as possible until the very end when Jo became silent.

"You know, both of you got it twisted around in your fucking heads. You two should just talk, straight up talk. I can hear it Castiel, and don't you tell me I ain't hearing shit because I am."  
Silence from Castiel's side before he could trust his speechless voice.

"Who?"

"You know who."

Then there came an even thicker silent and then Jo said goodbye and left Castiel with lots of confusing thoughts, like wondering why Dean actually had called his name that day, he hadn't sounded very angry.

* * *

The day had been horrible. Everything had went wrong, and it had all been Dean's fault (at least the thoughts of Dean).

The call he'd gotten previous night from Jo had dragged all thoughts to the surface and that meant him being angry with himself and nearly forgetting a paper on his desk, causing him to having to run back to his apartment after half of the way and missing the first half of his first lesson, maths.

He'd handed in the paper but then he'd had lunch on his own and he'd spilled coffee on his trousers. After the lunch everything had been running smoothly up until he missed the bus to the coffee shop so he'd had to walk all the way in the cold and wet weather.

After arriving inside he'd dropped two cups of coffee and now he was walking home, again in the cold, wet weather in only his trench coat that were a bit too cold.

He was nearly home when he felt something on his leg.

Castiel looked down and saw a golden dog. He recognised the golden fur with his eyes and his fingers that too quickly dug into the thick fur recognised the smooth, silk like texture against his fingers. Bones.

The thought of this being Sam's dog didn't make him feel too weird, but this dog being Sam's dog but in the city where Dean lived and _not Sam lived in_, made him nervous.

He grabbed the collar and when Bones sat down and looked into his eyes he thought about letting go of the collar again, not having to walk into Dean, _again_, but he didn't because he actually wanted to talk to the other man and he didn't want Bones to get hurt either, that might've been the case if he let the dog go and let it run around and maybe get hit by a car.

So, he stayed, of course, and didn't even let go of the collar when he heard Dean's voice angrily call for the dog. He didn't even let go when he saw Dean turning a corner and walking to his direction.

Castiel didn't even let go of the collar when Dean saw him and stopped with a blank face. No, Castiel held even tighter and tried to prepare himself for whatever was coming but when he met Dean's eyes it all went blank, everything that was in his mind was his hands gripping the collar tight and Dean watching him.

He did think about letting the collar go when Dean began to walk again, towards him, but he couldn't let it go, his hands too harshly and strongly, nearly desperately gripping the collar of the dog.

So there they now stood, face to face and neither of them saying anything, just watching each other.

"Cas."

Castiel looked away.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out and let go of the collar because he couldn't and then he turned around to walk away but this time Dean apparently caught something of his, his trench coat was stuck in Dean's hand, almost like Castiel had grabbed Bones' collar..

"No, don't."

Castiel turned around, seeing Dean with a face that wasn't blank anymore and the dog looking happy (Bones looked slightly out of place).

"Why? I don't want to hear it."

"You don't even know what I'll say."

"I can guess."

"You guess wrong."

He looked down at his trench coat, gripped it tightly and snapped it out of Dean's hand.

"Goodbye, it was nice knowing you."

It hurt saying it but he had to, he couldn't bathe in the sorrow forever and he was determined to get it all out of his head even if Jo's words still was in his brain so he began walking.

"Cas, I... I liked you too, y'know."

That made his steps slow down and he stopped after his small marsh. Nope, Dean was lying. The lights from the lamps that were lining the calm road was providing a yellow light that made Dean's face get a sudden glow when Castiel turned around.

"And I'm sorry I made you think I hated you, but you made me think you hated me."  
"I- I could never hate you, Dean."

"I thought you were disgusted by me."  
"I thought you only was nice to me because you felt bad for me."

They laughed a quiet, trying and shy laugh when Bones barked, reminding them both of his presence.

Suddenly they were too close and suddenly lips were on lips and suddenly a thick haze went over Castiel's mind.

Too suddenly it ended.

"You sure you want this?"

"Yes."

Castiel looked at Dean's face and let his hand reach up to touch it.

He didn't feel so alone.

_I'll be the angel by your side_

_I will get you through the night_

_I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own_

_'Cause when you're down and out of time_

_And you think you've lost the fight_

_Let me be the angel_

_The angel by your side_

**_Francesca Battistelli - Angel By Your Side_**

* * *

**A/N: **SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER:

What I Needed - Erin McCarley  
Angel By Your Side - Francesca Battistelli

I'll miss this.  
BUT if anyone is interested in an epilogue or maybe even a shorter sequal TELL ME.  
Now review.


	15. Epilogue - When I'm with you

**A/N: **So this is very special... Surprise at the end ;)  
I'll write more at the end!

* * *

Castiel had thought that the days after them meeting in the street would be awkward and uncomfortable but they weren't and even if that made him relieved it made him wonder why they weren't awkward. Maybe it was because they already were friends, maybe it was Dean's laid back approach on life in general, maybe it just wasn't awkward because the situation shouldn't be? He wasn't sure, but it didn't really matter.

What had been somewhat awkward was to introduce Dean to Gabriel. Gabriel had sported a grin too big for his face and said something stupid that Castiel couldn't remember anymore but Dean had answered and had gotten Gabriel to shut up, which always was fun.

Jo had just been happy for them, after hitting them both playfully in the back of their heads and telling them that she always knew and that they were both stupid but she loved them either way.

Sam hadn't said anything that Castiel had heard because Dean had told him before Castiel had met Sam the second time. Sam had just smiled warmly towards them which had made Castiel a bit uncomfortable but Dean had just smiled very big and slapped Sam's arm, telling him to shut up. Sam had said he was happy for them and Dean had responded that Sam should stop talking like a rom-com but it was clear that Dean was happy too.

The time had just flown in a warm haze that was hard to describe every single component to. Some days were sad, some days were cold, some were warm, some smelled of too much coffee, some smelled like clean sheets a Saturday morning but most of them was happy and bright and if this happiness could've smelled like something it would have to be freshly mown grass and dried flowers in a bouquet, hanging in a window.

To put it in other words that wasn't a poetic mess; Castiel was happy and he was pretty sure Dean was too.

* * *

Every time he woke up with a warm body next to his he felt confused. He did like it, to say the least, but it was so new and he never grew tired of just laying there and listening to the steady breathing of Dean's when he slept but Castiel couldn't.

Still, some days he didn't feel like he deserved it some and the weird part was that whenever Dean said something about not deserving Cas he only said "You do, Dean." and kissed him even if he just wanted to say that neither he deserved it.

Castiel had learned many things he'd been wrong about the first weeks, just like Dean had learned things he'd been wrong about.

That one time that Dean and him had gotten drunk together in Castiel's apartment, that time Dean had talked to Sam, whom had told him not to see Castiel, because last time he'd gotten a broken heart out of it and still Dean had come to Castiel.

They had both laughed when they talked about the awkward times in high school, even if they both felt a little regret regarding the situation of it all, but maybe if they'd been friends then this wouldn't have happened? Castiel wasn't sure, he was no prophet nor an all mighty angel who knew everything, he was simply human and could only live in the now and now he couldn't feel any regret because everything he'd done had taken him here.

* * *

It had been hard to get Dean out there, to the small concert. He'd kept saying he didn't like Castiel's taste in music (even if Castiel knew he did; he just didn't want to admit it).

Well, after having pushed Dean as hard as he could (Castiel could be very determined) and told Dean this was his wish after the book being published and then Dean had resign and let Castiel take him to the small concert out in the park. But now, Castiel felt nervous, he was a bit scared of what Dean might think but he just had to act neutral, which was hard because his insides felt like they wanted to be his outsides. Anyways, being neutral had never been his strongest talent.

The concert had been going on for a while and the last song was creeping up on Castiel, too soon there. He was excited, he really was but he was a bit scared too, of what Dean would think.

The girl, Juli, had been playing both guitar and piano while singing for nearly one hour and her voice made its way through the small outside theatre where Dean and Castiel were seated in the grass, on an old picnic blanket Dean had found in his apartment.

Castiel felt Dean's gaze upon him and he knew what Dean was about to say so he leaned in quickly and whispered in his ear.

"One more, Dean. The last one."

Dean looked somewhat more agreeing and just nodded before turning his eyes back to the girl on stage again when she finished the last song and everyone clapped their hands and some even whistled but Castiel didn't do anything, he was too scared.

The spring air was soft and warm and Castiel thought he felt a smell of flowers, but maybe that only was someone's perfume but even if that was the case it did make the evening more magical as the girl sat down by the piano and took the mic in her hand before starting singing the last song.

"So this song is a little special. Usually I write my songs myself but this one is written by a writer some of you may know, Castiel Novak. I think he's here today, so, thank you Castiel! He wanted me to tell you that this is for someone very special."

A silence filled with quiet excitement fell over the crowd and Castiel could feel Dean's eyes on his face, searching for something. Even if he was comfortable with Dean now he was still always close to a blush and he felt his face heat up as he stubbornly watched the girl play the first notes on the piano before continuing with the whole intro. The song itself started not long after the intro.

_'I walked the earth alone_

_Scared to share my mind_

_I never said what's wrong_

_Never knew my path was lined'_

"Cas... You wrote this?"

"Yes." It had been a bad idea. He knew Dean would like it, but it was stupid, too much.

_'I saw you one day_

_Green eyes, they caught my eye_

_I'm not romanticizing_

_But maybe I imagined them glowing'_

Dean was quiet again and Castiel turned to watch Dean instead of the girl. He looked mesmerised by the song and appeared to be listening to the lyrics. Castiel felt the same embarrassment mixed with excitement as he'd felt the first time Dean had read his book.

_'Because I used to say,_

_I don't feel so alone_

_But now, without you,_

_There's an empty hole_

_Know when I'm with you,_

_I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone'_

"Cas..."

_'I didn't want to understand_

_The process of falling_

_It was new to me, and you,_

_You never felt the same'_

"Yes?"

_'I was so stupid but then_

_We met again_

_But I was too crushed and shy_

_I didn't understand'_

"It's beautiful."

_'Because I used to say,_

_I don't feel so alone_

_But now, without you,_

_There's an empty hole_

_Know when I'm with you,_

_I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone'_

He hadn't been expecting that. Castiel leaned closer to Dean, pulled him into his arms, close, close to just feel the presence of the other man.

_'I screamed and shouted_

_I ran away_

_My thoughts, they weren't sane_

_But then, you touched my lips'_

It was quiet and the other people had faded away in the warm spring evening. The only three existing things was the voice that sang the song, him and Dean. Everything else was gone.

_'Because I used to say,_

_I don't feel so alone_

_But now, without you,_

_There's an empty hole_

_Know when I'm with you,_

_I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone_

_I don't feel so alone'_

"I love you."

The words were quiet but that didn't make them less beautiful.

It was the first time he heard it from someone outside his family and he wished to pull Dean even closer but that wasn't possible.

He felt like exploding and didn't know what to do about it so he did the only thing he knew how to do.

"I love you too."

He said it back, with his armed tangled around Dean's body and his mind slowly registering the words that just had left his mouth.

The song faded and suddenly everyone stood up and threw their hands together to make sound but Castiel and Dean stayed down. Then the whole crowd turned towards them and smiled.

This was happiness.

"I like your book," one said.

**LINK TO SONG: ** www. youtube watch?v=YSm38gnlYxY

(Remove the spaces^)

* * *

**A/N:** So yes, that was it. I feel pretty sad now once it's over, but it's really been a journey, and a good one too!

I want to thank everyone for the support and amazing response I've gotten.. I never believed any of you would actually like it this much!  
I don't know, I have so much to write but everything is basically a big thank you so I'll just say the thank you and try to move on from this... I want to write more but I guess I'll "just" have to start a new fic hehe.  
Well, I hope you enjoyed it all, even this very short epilogue.  
THE NEXT DAYS NOW, I'll go over all the chapters to check for spelling errors. Yay.

REGARDING THE SONG:  
Yes, that is my face and my voice, I'm sorry you got see that haha.. Obviously "Juli August" is not my real name just you know, I'm not that stupid. Sorry about the horrid audio, I hope you liked it.  
Also, it's very awkward writing as if somebody else is listening to you singing. Just saying.  
Juli out.  
(I LOVE ALL OF YOU HUGS AND KISSES FOREVER)


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